Yated Shidduch Forum 9/11/20: I Have the Perfect Idea but They Won’t Listen Because of my Age
Question:
As someone living in the frum world, I see the constant need for shidduchim to be made. Boruch Hashem, I am part of a large mishpacha that includes aunts, uncles, cousins and siblings. This means davening at least twice a day for the day my relatives will announce their engagement.
I am a very social person by nature and “get” people. I noticed for myself the need for someone to come in and “make things happen.” So, when a close relative was close to entering shidduchim, I was on the lookout. It was total Hashgacha when I thought of something that seemed to me like a “glove shidduch.” I was so excited, because this girl was someone I admired immensely.
The problem is that I am a teenager. It’s been three years since I thought of my first shidduch. Over these three years, a few more ideas came to me, but I am reluctant to try because of my first idea. A day hasn’t passed that I don’t think of my original idea. They are both amazing people – and still single. I spoke to my mother and friends of the girl, and everyone agrees with me – except the boy’s mother. Unfortunately I don’t feel like I can approach her, since she still thinks of me as a little kid.
What should a teenager who wants to help the klal and feels like she/he can help get people married do? Are there any shadchanim available to help teenagers pursue their ideas?
Yated Shidduch Forum 9/4/20: Paying Shadchanim for Dates; Fair or Unfair?
Question:
Firstly, I want to thank all the shadchanim for their mesirus nefesh for Klal Yisroel.
I was recently speaking to a shadchan regarding my daughter’s shidduchim and we were discussing the difficulties that many girls have getting dates. The shadchan told me that many parents pay shadchanim upwards of $800 just to get a first date, and it is understood that the shadchan will be compensated if it proceeds to a third date. This is in addition to the regular shadchanus that s/he will receive if the shidduch concludes.
I am wondering if this is true. It is hard for me to understand why parents of singles have to buy their way through the system. Is the chinuch that we give to our children that just to get a first date we need to pay for it? And do families without money have a lesser chance in the system? Have we come to a point where money is the deciding factor of our children’s destiny?
Yated Shidduch Forum 8/21/20: Is My School’s New Reputation Hurting my Shidduch Prospects?
Question:
I have been dating for a couple of years now. I went to a seminary that now has a different kind of name – namely, a negative one.
I am a good girl and never had any issues. I have had plenty of boys say no to me because of my seminary. Some people have told me to change the seminary on my résumé.
What do you recommend?
Yated Shidduch Forum 8/14/20: When to Make a Medical Disclosure
Question:
It is common to have a dater disclose a medical issue to the other dater on the third, fourth or fifth date. I do not like to date a few times only to find out this information. I heard that some people ask about medical issues upfront in a way that halachically the reference has to answer. This way is more convenient for me, as I can avoid the first few dates. I know that the panelists are not poskim, but I want to know your feelings on the issue as far as procedure or how things are done.
Yated Shidduch Forum 8/7/20: When is it Time to Talk About Money?
Question:
At what point should parents of a boy and a girl speak about money and support during a shidduch process? In our last two shidduchim, we didn’t do so till after our children were already getting engaged. In a sense, it was already too late. There were certain things that we would have wanted to be ironed out earlier, but it almost seemed like there was never the right opportunity for that to take place. Is it the shadchan who should be asking when we want to talk about the finances? What is the prevailing custom when it comes to these things?
Yated Shidduch Forum 7/31/20: Am I Only Judged by my Weight?
Question:
Here’s what I am:
I’m extremely capable. I’m smart, talented – in short, geshikt. I have a great personality, I’m happy, I have depth, I constantly work on myself, I’m disciplined and balanced and loving and nurturing and healthy. I have a much sought-after job and I truly feel like I’m maximizing my potential. I have savings in the bank, and my parents are in klei kodesh but have enough to support. I come from a wonderful, large family.
I am, I am, I am.
But I’m not skinny.
So go on a diet, right?
I’ve dieted my entire life, literally…
Yated Shidduch Forum 7/24/20: Why do Boys Have to Say Yes First?
Question:
As a boy in shidduchim, I am easily able to see the significant advantage that boys have over girls in getting dates. Usually, a boy will just have to flip through a pile of résumés and pick the one that he feels is most suited for him (which is actually harder than it seems. But still). A girl, on the other hand, can wait for months before even getting the opportunity to start ”legally” researching.
Why does the system have to be set up this way? Why do boys have to give the first yes? Maybe, instead of the system that we have in place now, we should have it that when someone redds a shidduch, the resumes should be given to both sides, and either side can give the yes first. Personally, if I were to be given a resume which I know the other side is interested in pursuing, that would take precedence (given that it looks compatible) over the others, because of the added security of knowing that I will not be met with a no after all that work in researching.
Am I missing something here?
Yated Shidduch Forum 7/17/20: Maybe You Want to Check Him Out?
Question:
My friend and I have been in shidduchim for some time. We have noticed that there are close friends and family who want to show that they care about us and therefore try redding shidduchim for us. I am under the impression that they mean well, but it doesn’t necessarily come across in a pleasant way. They tend to pop names on us directly with basic information and say, “Maybe you want to check him out…”
We aren’t our own shadchanim. Those who thought of the idea should be taking the steps needed, looking into the other side a bit more and then contacting our parents before it comes to us.
We feel that when names just come and go, we get some hope that is totally useless, so why not avoid it in the first place? Any tips for us on how to handle it and any guidance to those who are trying to help their loved ones without hurting them in the process?
Yated Shidduch Forum 7/10/20: Why Did He Stop for Gas?
Question:
I recently went out with a boy, and on the way to drop me off at my home following the date, he stopped at a gas station to fill up on gas. He clearly had plenty of gas left in the car, but I guess he figured that it would be convenient to run this errand on the way. I immediately thought that it was strange that the boy chose to fill up on gas and didn’t wait till he dropped me off to do so.
Am I overreacting or do I have a legitimate question about the boy’s behavior?
Yated Shidduch Forum 4/17/20: Can I Dress Casually on a Date?
Question:
Is there any place in frum dating for a “casual” date – that is, a date on which one need not dress formally (a suit and tie for a boy and an outfit for a girl), but one can dress more casually?