Website sponsored by Mr. & Mrs. Malkiel Goldberger in honor of their precious children
info@shidduchcenter.org | 443.955.9887
Website sponsored by Mr. & Mrs. Malkiel Goldberger in honor of their precious children
info@shidduchcenter.org | 443.955.9887

Published Articles

Yated Shidduch Forum 10/19/18: Nervous About an Over-The-Top Proposal

Question: I am going out with a boy and things are going very well. Barring any disappointments, our dating will likely end in engagement. I am petrified of an extravagant proposal. I know that it’s in style and some even anticipate it, but I don’t. I would appreciate a quiet, simple proposal, nothing fancy or...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 10/12/18: Hung Up On Yichus?

Question: With children in shidduchim, I often encounter the issue of yichus. I am wondering if you, as shadchanim, find that people are hung up on this. Interestingly, I recently read that someone asked Rav Avigdor Miller zt”l how much emphasis they should put on yichus when choosing a shidduch. Rav Miller responded that if the yichus is that the girl “comes from good parents, her father is...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 9/21/18: Am I Leading Him On If I Say Yes?

Question: Ayala receives a yes from Binyomin. Ayala and her parents do some checking and are really unsure as to the viability of this being a match for her. Ayala feels that there is less than a 50% chance that anything will come out of their meeting. Would Ayala be leading Binyomin on if she...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 9/7/18: In Search of Chizuk

Question: Hi. I look forward to read your column in the Yated each week. It’s very interesting and has been helpful to me with my dating difficulties.  I’m an older single girl in my low thirties facing the hardship of being single for a number of years. Plus, I was previously engaged just about five years ago,...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 8/31/18: He Slipped Off His Shoes on a Date; Deal Breaker?

Question: I went on a date with a boy and it went well. We will be going out again. On the first date, however, he kept slipping off his slip-on shoes under the table. I know that people who wear slip-ons sometimes do that, but having it being done on a date really bothered me....
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Yated Shidduch Forum 8/24/18: How to Confirm Financial Support?

Question: I have two married daughters who my wife and I help support. Our son is now in shidduchim, and while we are not looking to “put him up for sale,” we would like some assurance that the other side will at least provide some support. (Our financial situation is very tight.) I have a relative...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 8/17/18: An Unexpected Language Barrier

Question: I went out with a girl two times and the dates went well. However, during our conversations, she kept using certain phrases, like “Oh my gosh,” and “It was sooo amazing” and, most of all, “like.” I was like no way. I was like are you kidding? I was like this… I was like that… I...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 8/10/18: What to do When Younger Siblings Protest a Shidduch Idea?

Question: A shidduch was redd to our son and we are considering giving a yes. Everything sounds great. However, two of my other sons, ages 18 and 20, found out about the shidduch and are adamantly against it. They say that they “know the girl’s brothers from camp” and there is “no way” the shidduch can proceed. “You can’t be serious,” “They’re not...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 8/3/18: Scary Driving on a Date

Question: What should a young lady do if she went on a first date with a young man and would like to continue, but his driving really scares her? Answer: That a young man adopted driving habits which are conspicuously more liberal than those of the young woman he is dating is not exceptionally surprising...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 7/27/18: Who Should Be The Shadchan?

Question: My husband and I often come up with shidduchim suggestions for singles we know, but we aren’t comfortable or experienced enough to serve as the shadchan. As such, we prefer to pass on the shidduch to more experienced, well-known shadchanim to handle the shidduch. Would it be better for the shidduch for us to hand it over to very well-known “big name” shadchanim or an experienced shadchan who...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 7/20/18: Does Every Dater Need a Dating Coach

Question: Recently, one of the panelists stated the following: “I understand that you may have begun dating feeling somewhat tense. Now that you are feeling more comfortable with yourself, it doesn’t mean that you are a better dater. If you were, you wouldn’t be dating anymore. You’d be married. Feeling more comfortable simply means that...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 7/13/18: Picky Parents = Picky Daters?

Question:  As a shadchan, I wish to bring to a light a reality that I’ve seen time and again. Parents have a fine son or daughter, who they think the world of. They set the bar extremely high, turning down shidduchim right and left, because the people being redd lack the prerequisites (name recognition, yichus, money, etc.) they are seeking...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 7/6/18: Should I Go on a Second or Third Date? How to Decide?

Question: A common quandary in shidduchim is whether to go out on a second (or, at times, a third) date.  The hadracha provided in this forum is to, barring any obvious red flags, go out again as meaningful relationships require some time to blossom.  I would like to suggest a process singles can follow that would significantly alleviate the...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 6/29/18: Am I Too Chilled About Dating?

Question: As a boy in shidduchim for a number of years already, I noticed something about myself: I no longer go on dates with “jitters.” Unfortunately, it is almost like I am going on a business meeting or family outing. As a result, I am much more natural, must less rehearsed, than when I started shidduchim. I am...
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Is It Really Okay That We Share Pictures For A Shidduch?

Question: Girls in shidduchim seem to be asked for pictures of themselves all the time by shadchanim and others, and not just a picture, but a “nice one” and a “casual one.” As a girl in shidduchim, I am perplexed. What has the world come to? Last I checked, there are no pictures of women and girls in Torah publications, like the Yated,...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 6/15/18: Why is the Clothing I Wear on a Date Such a Big Deal?

Question:             As a boy, I’m really irked that people make such a big deal about the clothing that I wear on a pegisha (date). They say that it’s integral that I mamish “wow” the meduberes on first sight.                 Charles Tyrwhitt shirt? Check!              Dry cleaned suit? Check! Hat lookin’ spic n’ span? Check!              You get the gist.              So my question is this:...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 6/8/18: Long Dates & Uncomfortable Venues; Why Must It Be That Way?

Question: Having been in the parsha for quite a while already, I’ve noticed a few disturbing things and I would like to air them:  Why are we being told by shadchanim to go on extremely long dates? Which bochur has ever had a conversation with a friend of his for 5+ hours? Why are we being told to go to restaurants,...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 6/1/18: Should I Be Expecting More?

Question: I met a very nice, sincere gentleman. From the time I was out with him, I could tell that he is a sincere, kind, thoughtful, growing person, who has his values straight and holds his own. He has a good job, a good learning situation, and friends, and I see that he is a...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 5/18/18: Why is Hashem Doing This to Me?

Question: My daughter is a great girl, who has been sitting at home for several years, waiting for her shidduch. As time goes on, she is getting more broken. What should I tell my daughter when she asks: “Why is Hashem doing this to me?” Answer: In a very real sense, this is the most trying...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 5/11/18: We Gave a Yes, Why is He Delaying?

Question: My 27-year-old single daughter can often wait for weeks before any suitable shidduchim are suggested. Three weeks ago, she got three yeses in one day. After spending much time investigating the suggestions and then giving our yes to one of them, the shadchan notified us that the boy would not be able to meet our daughter until after Lag...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 5/4/18: Differentiating Between Wants & Needs

Question: I’ve heard from shadchanim, read in articles, and heard in shmuessen that there are “boys in their thirties who are still single because they say no to every girl they go out with.” There’s also the famous story about the Steipler Gaon zt”l, who reportedly told a yeshiva bochur that he did meet his bashert but said no to her. I personally know numerous older...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 4/27/18: How to Respond to an Anonymous Caller Researching a Shidduch

Question: I am a bochur who often gets calls about friends of mine in shidduchim. I am happy to serve as a reference for them. However, I ask the people calling me for information to identify themselves and tell me what their relationship with the girl in question is. I do this because otherwise I feel uncomfortable sharing...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 4/20/18: Moving on After Rejection

Question: I recently went out with a girl seven times and everything was amazing, at least from my perspective. Everything seemed to be progressing smoothly and I was starting to get really excited. Then, without giving a reason, she said no. I was dismayed, to say the least. Boruch Hashem, I got over it relatively quickly...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 4/13/18: Revisiting a Dropped Shidduch

Question: I have lately noticed questions and responses that discuss “revisiting” a shidduch idea that has been shelved either before or after meeting. I am surprised by the simplicity with which the concept is dealt with in the responses. You would think that it is a straightforward and easily doable process. However, both in my personal experience,...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 3/30/18: Should Shadchanim be Speaking to the Daters or the Parents?

Question: Our twenty-four-year-old son has gone out with a girl three times. The first date went really well. The second date was pretty good and the third date was so-so. The shadchan asked permission to speak directly to our son to get a better sense of what is taking place on the dates, with the goal of...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 3/23/18: Proper Nomenclature for Single Men & Women in Shidduchim

Question: I would like to start by thanking you for your very informative advice and guidance.  There is one thing that does irk me slightly, but it is not exclusive to this forum. Why is it that the young men and women who are making the biggest decisions of their lives are constantly referred to...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 3/16/18: How Important is Emotional Connection?

Question: Recently, I went out with a boy seven times and everything was amazing — on paper. He had good middos, we came from similar backgrounds and hashkafos, he was pleasant-looking, and conversation flowed nicely.  But I had no feelings for him.  He was nice, and when we were together, I had a nice time, but I...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 3/9/18: Is it Possible to Change Someone’s Mind About a Shidduch?

Question: As shadchanim, you surely know that most ideas that are suggested don’t result in an engagement or even a date. When I redd shidduchim, I understand that parents know what their children need and I accept their negative response. Sometimes, though, I wonder if the shadchan should get more involved when a shidduch is nixed for petty reasons.  I have...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 3/2/18: Bechira, Hishtadlus, & Hashgacha – A Complementary Trio?

Question: My daughter was recently redd a shidduch to a phenomenal Litvishe boy and we are ready to give a yes. The boy’s father, however, drives a Volkswagen, a well know German car. We have a strong sensitivity to that, since our grandparents’ family perished in the Holocaust. Is that enough of a reason to negate the shidduch? Does it make a...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 2/23/18: Purim Edition!

Question: I went out with a girl and, during the course of our conversation on the date, we were discussing the Yated. More specifically, the conversation focused on the Shidduch Forum and the Chinuch Roundtable. The girl posed a question: Given a choice of being a panelist on the Shidduch Forum or the Chinuch Roundtable, which one would you choose? I responded that...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 2/16/18: Not So Into His Looks, What To Do?

Question: I am a mother of a girl in shidduchim. My daughter is a fine, frum, hard-working girl who possess sterling middos. My daughter has been dating a very fine young man. He possesses a lot of the qualities she is looking for in a husband. Although she is not a materialistic girl, she has pointed out that...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 2/9/18: Should The Yated Feature Profiles of Singles?

Question I used to be a frequent reader of this column, but I rarely read it anymore. I am not a big fan of it. I am surprised by the absurdity of many questions and I don’t appreciate many of the responses. Be that as it may, I wish to propose an idea: The bottom...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 2/2/18: Are My Parents Being Too Picky?

Question: Thank you for your wonderful newspaper. The Shidduch Forum has become my favorite column.  About a year and a half ago, I dated a girl very seriously. We were very close to getting engaged, and my parents and I were very excited about the shidduch. At that point, someone shared information about the girl’s sister and family. Basically, they...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 1/26/18: How Much Information Do I Have to Give About Money?

Question: I have a good friend – we’ll come him Moish – who has been blessed with financial wealth. He does very well parnassah-wise. However, I know that he does not assist his children financially. I often receive shidduch calls about him and his children, and, as can be expected, people ask me “if he has money.” I...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 1/19/18: How Do I Prevent My Shidduch Profile References From Doing More Harm Than Good?

Question: After our daughter had been in the parsha of shidduchim for almost a year, it has gotten back to us that a close family friend on our daughter’s résumé, when called as a reference, gives nice and appropriate information, but on numerous occasions has volunteered her own opinion, saying, “I can’t see it,” when she knew who the...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 1/12/18: Unfair Stereotyping?

Question: The following is from an email I recently received from a shadchan: “So, Rivky got back to me and stated that she looked into it and heard she is too modern for you; she wears ___ (type of makeup, details not important), etc. and heard you are more yeshivish.” In my dating experience, this is an...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 1/5/18: Where is the “Thank You”?

Question: As a young married couple, we spend a lot of time trying to set up singles. As anyone who has been involved in shidduchim knows, it can be very time-consuming. ​Recently, we set up a few shidduchim. ​Some ​almost got engaged, while others only went as far as a second or third date. ​ It is disheartening that...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 12/29/17: Have Single Women Become Complacent in Shidduchim?

Question: I am a single bochur in his thirties and I’ve been meaning to write this question for a while. There have been wonderful efforts to help those in shidduchim, especially girls. The focus of much of the publicity of the shidduch crisis has been on the girls, and perhaps rightfully so. However, I have witnessed how this has negatively...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 12/22/17: Am I Too Worldly?

Question: I am a bochur in shidduchim who considers himself a normal, worldly boy. My dilemma is: How much do I say on a date with respect to how worldly I am and what I know? On one hand, I want to be honest, but on the other hand, I don’t want to scare the girl off. Answer: In...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 12/15/17: Do We Have to Give a Reason for Saying “No”?

Question: I am a parent of a boy and a girl in shidduchim. My question is simple: When saying no to a shidduch, either before any dates or after my child has already gone out, must I provide a reason?  Sometimes, it would be much simpler if I were allowed to just say no and move on....
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Yated Shidduch Forum 12/8/17: Medical Issues & Shidduchim

Question: I’m an older single girl who endures the daily hardship of having a medical issue. In our circles, when anyone has a medical issue, it’s considered a stigma, and therefore I’ve kept it a secret all my life.  I was recently thinking that maybe I should disclose my secret, as perhaps it will be...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 12/1/17: Feeling Like Nobody Cares

Question: I’m a divorced father in my thirties with a few young children. I am, boruch Hashem, healthy and have means to support my family. I would really like to get married again soon and move on with life.  For some reason, I feel that as much as I try dealing with shadchanim, they never get back to me...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 11/24/17: Good Games for a Date

Question: What are some good games to play on a date? It’s been recommended to me to bring along a game in order to enhance conversation on dates. What do you suggest based on experience? Answer: Admittedly, I am not particularly well-versed in the dating games du jour. Nevertheless, as a general rule, I would...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 11/17/17: Wrong to be Looking for the “Best Guy”?

Question: Every so often, my uncle calls me about boys, looking for a shidduch for his daughter. Alert: My uncle tells me that he’s looking for “the best guy.” But his daughter doesn’t need “the best guy.” How do I know? It doesn’t take a professor in quantum physics or thermodynamics to see that she’s a fine...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 11/10/17: When Knowing Too Much Starts to Hurt

Question: We have a daughter in shidduchim. On a regular basis, we ask our wonderful son about prospective bochurim. Every boy has a chisaron, and no one knows boys better than other boys. Bochurim know others bochurim’s weaknesses and idiosyncrasies. What has happened – and apparently this is an issue encountered by many parents of girls like us – is that...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 11/3/17: Can I Change My Mind After Saying Yes?

Question: There’s an unwritten rule that once a boy gives a yes to a girl, he has to go out. I have a scenario in which I wonder if that should indeed be a given. A boy comes home from a date. It’s 11 p.m. when he sits down to discuss the date with his...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 10/27/17: Heart’s Not In It – Volume 2

Question: I am following up on a Shidduch Forum column some weeks ago, when most of the panelists seemed to imply that a young man should marry someone even if his heart isn’t in it. If there is some problem holding back a young man from connecting, or his expectations are unrealistic, then that absolutely needs to be...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 10/20/17: Using a Coupon on a Date; Waive It or Save It?

Question: What do the panelists think of using coupons on a date? I just got a 40% off coupon to a really nice restaurant. Should I beshitah not use it? (I’m not a cheapskate by nature, but if I find a good sale, a bargain, or a coupon, I definitely take advantage of it.) On the one...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 9/29/17: Are Singles Properly Prepared for Rejection?

Question: According to information that I have gathered, five out of six shidduchim involving a bochur who is dating for the first time,  where the shidduchim don’t result in a marriage, end with the girl rejecting the boy after three or four dates. While this 5:1 ratio may be similar to the overall dating statistics in that nearly five out of...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 9/22/17: Feeling Guilty About Rejecting a Shidduch

Question: From time to time, I have nagging feelings of guilt with regard to two girls I went out with. I said “no” to them both.  Today, I am married, boruch Hashem. However, I feel bad that after going out with two particular girls, one five times and one six times, I had no choice but...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 9/15/17: Redd to a Divorcee for the First Time, How to Approach?

Question: I am a single girl and was recently redd to a divorcee. As this is something new for me, I was wondering how to approach it. What kind of questions should I ask when calling the references? What red flags should I be looking out for? If I do decide to date him, how am I...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 9/8/17: I Want to Get Married but My Heart’s Just Not In It

Question: I’m in my upper twenties and have been in shidduchim for close to seven years. I’ve gone out with several dozen girls and have come close to engagement many times, only to break it off at the very last moment.  I often feel that, intellectually, I wish to go ahead with the shidduch, since I am eager...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 9/1/17: “Rowdy” in High School But Still a “Gem”?

Question: Recently, I received a shidduch call from the sister of a boy, calling to check out my good friend’s daughter. I had only good things to say about the girl, knowing her as a mature, pleasant young woman. However, the sister interrupted and asked: “Weren’t you her ninth grade teacher?” I replied that yes, I was....
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Yated Shidduch Forum 8/25/17: Concern’s with Kashrus?

Question: Yosef is taking Tova out on a fourth date. Yosef announces that he made reservations for dinner for the two of them. He does not give Tova a choice of a restaurant. What should Tova’s reaction be when she realizes that her family is not comfortable with the hechsher of this restaurant? Should she tell him nicely...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 8/18/17: Dating in the Fast Lane

Question: I was on a date recently, and while driving (switching lanes, merging, etc.), the girl kept on looking over her shoulder to make certain that the lane was clear. Although this is (probably) not a factor in determining whether or not she will be a good marriage partner, it did come across as annoying,...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 8/11/17: The Shidduch Didn’t Work Out, is it Still Safe to Say Hello?

Question:  I have a question that has been on my mind for the last little while. A girl and a boy go out a number of times and really get to know each other, and the shidduch does not work. What is proper protocol if they keep bumping into each other? Is it a problem to give...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 8/4/17: New Rules & Regulations for Shadchanim?

Question:             If you look around, the current shidduch process is obviously not cutting it. There is practically not a family in Klal Yisroel that doesn’t have a single boy or girl who is in the parsha and struggling with the current system. As a result, we are left with a large population of single people that seems to be growing. ...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 7/28/17: How to Say No to a Proposed Shidduch

Question: Sometimes, people look into a proposed shidduch and get back to the shadchan saying, “I will not pursue this now, but I am not saying no. Perhaps in a few months from now…” Is this an appropriate way to turn down a shidduch or is this insulting? Is it better just to say no, and then, if you reconsider...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 7/21/17: Will My Son’s In-Laws Respect His Learning in Kollel?

Question:  My son was redd a girl who, like him, wants to start married life in kollel. How long my son will learn, I don’t know. Neither does he. But it is something he wants to do.  Our research revealed that while the girl wants a boy who will be learning for some time – even an extended...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 7/14/17: Why Can’t I Ride My Bike?

Question: I am a 22-year-old bochur and I just came home from Eretz Yisroel. I want to bike around and my mother absolutely refuses. She says that I won’t get a shidduch if I ride my bike. Who is right? Answer: As it appears to me, this is not so much a matter of right or wrong as it...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 7/7/17: Is a Second Date Worthwhile Even for Experienced Daters?

Question: In the past, some of the panelists have discussed whether a second date should be a given. Some are of the opinion that there should always be a second date. My daughter has been dating for several years already. She’s gone out quite a bit. When she goes out with a young man for the...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 6/30/17: Testing the Dating Waters?

Question: In helping young men and young ladies navigate the parsha of shidduchim, I often see that while they have a pretty good idea of where they’re heading in life, they really have no idea what they’re looking for in a shidduch. Instead of talking and thinking “up-in-the-air,” I advise that they get into the shidduch scene, meet shadchanim, and just begin...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 6/23/17: Should a Rov be a Shadchan?

Question: As the rov of a shul comprised of younger families, I have only begun to experience certain uncomfortable situations relating to fielding shidduch inquiries regarding members of our kehila. But while answering questions that seem to be just a portion of more comprehensive “investigations” presents its own challenges, what I am writing to you, Shidduch Forum panelists, about today is what you, based...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 6/16/16: What Do We Need to Know From Our Son After a Date?

Question: As parents, what should we ask our son after a date? How much information do we have to know?  We wish to note that it seems that as a result of fatigue, his mood after a date doesn’t necessarily reflect his feelings of the date itself. Your insight is appreciated. Answer: While the subject...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 6/9/17: Long Dating Saga’s – How Long To Keep At It?

To The Esteemed Shidduch Forum Panelists: Many of us have had some long dating sagas. It seems that the common factor in many of them was that there was something bothering either the girl or the boy since the beginning, but no one, not the girl nor the boy, wants to let a good shot...
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Finding the Right Words: Part I – The First Response to a Shidduch Suggestion

The Initial Reaction “Good evening, I’m calling regarding a shidduch. Do you have a few minutes to talk?” “My daughter was just redt (suggested to go out with) to so-and-so, what do you think of the idea?” “I was just redt to so-and-so, should I go out with her?” Once a shidduch is redt –...
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Finding the Right Words: Part II – Preparing Your References & How to Field Shidduch Calls

Tactics for Preparing References & Fielding Shidduch Calls In Part I of this series, we primarily discussed how crucial it is to be sure that when one is presented with a shidduch idea for feedback one’s response is substantive and thoughtful, and never purely reactionary. We concluded by noting that the most proper way to...
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Finding the Right Words: Part III – How to Conduct Effective Shidduch Research

Making the Call: Preparedness and Efficiency In the previous segments of this series, we discussed how to choose references for a shidduch resume and reviewed the skills necessary to be an effective and helpful reference. In this final segment of the series, we will consider those making the shidduch call and how one can successfully...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 5/26/17: Parents v. Shadchanim – A Matter of Perspective

Question: As a parent, we care deeply about our children. No one would like to see them happily married more than us. Why is it that when we take the time, hours, looking into a shidduch that is suggested and then decide that it is not for our child are we met with annoyance, and...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 5/19/17: Grandparent’s Getting In The Way?

Question: I have a son in shidduchim who’s been in the parsha for some time now. With every new girl he dates, we encounter a problem. My wife’s parents, who love their grandchildren and feel very close to them, are also very sensitive. I find that when we do not tell them about my son’s upcoming date, they feel...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 5/12/17: What’s the Rush?!

Question: As a shadchan I wonder: What’s the rush? Your daughter is still in seminary for another two months. What’s the rush? Your son just entered the freezer. What’s the rush? Your son or daughter has just been rejected, ending a three-week parshah: What’s the rush? How about letting you daughter enjoy her stay in seminary and have...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 5/5/17: Is He Lacking Seriousness?

Question: Our daughter just went out with a boy before Rosh Chodesh Iyar. The boy had a beard, but it was shvach. He is somewhat follicly challenged. It’s a Sefirah beard and it’s not the greatest. And halachah is halachah. The boy mentioned on the date that he doesn’t have a specific minhag regarding which Sefirah he keeps, and every year he is able to pick whichever “half”...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 4/28/17: Why Doesn’t He Have a Rebbi?

Question: Girls are often taught to ask boys they are dating if they have a rebbi they are close to. Sometimes, they pose this question as early on as the very first date. We all know that having a rebbi is indeed important. However, a bachur who attends a large, mainstream yeshiva, where the rebbi-to-talmid ratio exceeds 20:1, and hasn’t experienced any major problems...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 4/7/17: How Do I Prepare My Son For Shidduchim?

Question: My only son (after three girls) is coming home from yeshiva in Eretz Yisroel for Pesach. He very much wants to begin shidduchim. My daughters did get some shidduch prep in seminary. Unfortunately, most of the boys’ yeshivos do not prepare them at all for the dating process or for marriage.  How can I,...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 3/31/17: Calling Friends as References. Why Bother?

Question: I was wondering what the panelists feel about what I think to be a worthless and time-consuming practice of calling the friends of singles in shidduchim. Don’t people understand that every boy you call about is going to be “a huge masmid, who still has a lot of friends.” Of course, “he has tons...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 3/24/17: Dumped In 20 Minutes – Is There a Double Standard?

Question: I am writing this question an hour after returning from a first date. Twenty minutes after I dropped the girl off, my parents received a phone call from the shadchan. The girl is not interested in going on a second date. At least I was worth twenty minutes. I’m fine with that. I’m more...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 3/17/17: Does Anyone Actually Enjoy a First Date?

Question: The standard reply the shadchan gives when the girl says “yes” is, “She had a great time and she wants to go out again.”  Now, who on the planet has a good time sitting with a stranger (from the other gender) for three hours, over a cup of flat Diet Coke (and water, of...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 3/10/17: Purim Edition

Question: I recently went out with a fantastic boy, but something shocking happened on the date. Unbeknownst to me, he had his friend set off a smoke bomb in the hotel parking lot during the date, as we were returning to our car. He feigned concern and said, alarmingly, that apparently his car was going...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 3/3/17: Did He Only Say “Yes” Because of the Picture?

Question: I was redd to a boy and we were given a no. Later, the shadchan gave the boy’s side a picture of me and they gave a yes. I was very turned off. My résumé wasn’t good enough for them and whatever info they found out wasn’t good enough for them, but now that...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 2/24/17: Crash Dieting for a Date?

Question: Those who have battled their weight will understand my question. Others might not. My weight fluctuates. A week’s time can make a big difference. Boruch Hashem, I have seen great results from my efforts, but recently I gained a little weight and, at about the same time, I got a yes from a girl....
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Yated Shidduch Forum 2/17/17: Tired of Being Asked, “Why Are You Still Single”?

Question: As a (fantastic) 23-year-old girl in shidduchim, my parents (and I) are often asked, “So why isn’t she married? If she’s such a great girl, why is she still on the market?” I’ve been thinking about this response very much, and I have the following question: If someone is looking into me seriously, then...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 2/10/17: Why Doesn’t My Son Want to Talk About Shidduchim?

Question: As the opening of the freezer approaches, we sat down our son during his recent Shabbos at home for a little shmooze to determine what exactly he is looking for. As we sat in his bedroom, it was clear that he wished to be anywhere but sitting there with my husband and me. He...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 2/3/17: Broaching the Topic of Support

Question: I am the mother of a boy in shidduchim. We are looking into a shidduch and we asked the shadchan to find out what the other side’s plan is regarding support. Their reply was, “Our daughter is not being sold,” and they will only discuss money matters once the shidduch is really serious. What...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 1/27/17: Finding Meaning in Conversation

Question: As a bochur in shidduchim, I have the following problem, which I’m hoping can be resolved by the esteemed panelists. Boruch Hashem, I was gifted with a good brain; I am what they call a “baal kishron” – or so I’m told. During conversations on dates, I often find certain topics that have some...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 1/20/17: A Rebuttal From the “Shallow Thinker”

Question: Hi. I’m the “shallow thinker” from two weeks ago. I read all the responses to my question, and I’m wondering if the real answer is rooted in a different problem in the shidduch system. Dehaynu: It is well-known that girls dump boys a lot more than boys dump girls, at least according to the...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 1/13/17: Too Much Research Into a Shidduch?

Question: My son has been going out, and after each of the first three dates, the mother of the girl has been calling up the same three friends and grilling them, asking them questions about my son that we had thought were settled already. What’s this mother’s line of thinking? How can my son proceed...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 1/6/17: When to Address the “Serious” Issues

Question: As a bochur in shidduchim, I have the following question about something that has frustrated me. For the average boy and girl from basic yeshiva backgrounds, there are certain “serious” issues that are generally reserved for discussion from date 4 and on. The reason that these issues aren’t discussed early on, I assume, is...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 12/30/16: Overwhelmed with Shidduch Suggestions

Question: My son will begin shidduchim soon, having returned from learning in Eretz Yisroel this past Sukkos. My son has many maalos and we’ve been fortunate to be redd many shidduchim. I have a stack of résumés on my kitchen table. I am not saying this to boast. I am mentioning it because, as strange...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 12/23/16: Who Should the Shadchan Talk To?

Question: When redding a shidduch, it is my preference to speak directly with each single as the shidduch moves along. Of course, I am always happy to speak with the parents as well, but I feel it is important to speak with the single themselves after each date to be sure that I am hearing...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 12/16/16: Out of His League?

Question: I was recently asked to redd a shidduch to a boy of mediocre intellectual ability who insists that he needs a girl of pleasant appearance “with a degree.” He says that he wants to learn for three years and go to medical school or pursue a professional career.  I certainly don’t want to burst his bubble, but how do I...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 12/9/16: Can an Emotional Connected Be Created?

Question: I am involved in a shidduch where the couple has met five times.  The dates are going well, and the conversation seems to flow naturally, but the couple has not yet connected on an emotional level. What pointers can I give the boy–or the girl– to take it to the next level?  Answer: Creating and sustaining an emotional...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 12/2/16: Should I Try a Second Date After a Bad First Date?

Question: My sister is currently an “older single.” She is a wonderful girl with “alle maalos” and she continues to get dates and go out. However, I find there to be an increasingly frustrating and hurtful trend of certain boys, specifically “older” ones, ending shidduchim after a first date. It is so hurtful to the girl and deeply...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 11/25/16: Considering a Second Marriage But My Teen-age Daughter Protests. What Should I Do?

Question: After my wife passed away a number of years ago, a second marriage was not on mind. Recently, though, I have been redd a number of shidduchim and I am ready to consider it. However, my fifteen-year-old daughter has told me in no uncertain terms that she does not want me to get re-married....
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Yated Shidduch Forum 11/18/16: Do I Have To Rent a Fancy Car for Dates?

Question: Unlike most yeshiva bochurim these days, I own my own car. It is a 1997 Mazda Protégé in perfect running condition. I recently went out with a girl. The next day I had found out that she had “no’d” me. She told the shadchan that I was really nice, and that she had a...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 11/11/16: He’s Still Living In The Dorm, Should I Be Worried?

Question: My son, who is approaching age 30, has been in shidduchim for quite a number of years. He learns in a yeshiva that has a dormitory. Recently, we were told by a shadchan that the parents of a girl we had given a yes to questioned why our son is still in a dorm....
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Yated Shidduch Forum 11/4/16: Why Must I Swallow My Pride?

Question: A while ago, one of my relatives told me that she has an excellent shidduch for me. She described the boy as excellent in every way and proceeded to call the mother and give her my name. Every few weeks, she would update me on the progress – “the boy is busy now,” “the boy is...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 10/14/16: Not Feeling Up To Snuff

Question: My son has gone out with a girl twice. After the second date, he told me that during the course of conversation, it emerged that this girl’s sisters are married to choshuve bnei Torah who are talmidei chachomim. He is concerned that, firstly, since he is not on their caliber, this girl will look...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 9/30/16: She’s Ready, He’s Not. What To Do?

Question: I was involved in redding a shidduch. The boy is a very fine young man, though not what we would call a “learning boy.” The boy and girl went out five times and the girl was ready. At that point, the boy was asked where he’s holding, and he said that in his circles, people go out...
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Yated Shidduch Forum 9/23/16: Mislead About Getting Engaged

Question: I was dating a boy for several weeks and we connected well on many levels. Each date was quite long, leading us closer to cementing the relationship. At the very last meeting, we spoke about finalizing the shidduch. The boy clearly led me to believe that the next meeting would be a prelude to an engagement. The...
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To Travel for a Date or Not to Travel; That Is the Question

Who should travel for a first date? Should it be the young man, or the young woman? Lately, this has become one of the most frequently asked questions by those who are in the shidduch parsha. Parents, young women, and bachurim are all asking this question and wondering what is the appropriate, right, and fair...
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