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Yated Shidduch Forum 2/25/22: Should We Tell Shadchanim That Our Son Wants to Live in Eretz Yisroel?


Our son would like to live in Eretz Yisroel after he gets married. He says that this is very important to him. For how long? No one knows. But he definitely wants to start off there. Is this something we should tell shadchanim when they first redd a shidduch? Or is it something better left for our son to share on a date once he meets a girl?


In many, if not most cases, when shadchanim meet with young men who express an intent to learn for any number of years post-marriage, the topic of whether a bachur hopes to further his Talmud Torah acumen as a kollel yungerman living abroad is essentially de rigueur. Thus, in all likelihood, the inquiry at hand will tend to answer itself circumstantially, more often than not.  

And if any particular conversations with shadchanim play out otherwise, leaving this topic unbroached in the course of natural dialogue, I really cannot say that I feel strongly one way or another. When it comes to matters which are rather normative in either direction (such as, where one would like to reside, or how substantial a duration they would like to sit and learn for), I believe it predominantly boils down to how firm a single man or woman happens be, personally, on that specific point. 

Accordingly, if establishing his abode in Eretz Yisroel is non-negotiable for a bachur, it would certainly be prudent to share that with shadchanim, so that they can redd him young women who are known to be equally passionate about Artzeinu Hakedosha, or who are at least agreeable to venturing across the globe as they initiate the first major chapter of their matrimonial life. However, if learning in Eretz Yisroel stands as a quixotic desire for a bachur, but would not hold him back from dating or becoming espoused to a young woman who prefers to remain stateside, should she overall match up with what he is looking for in a bride, I do not feel there is any great difference with respect to how or when he discloses where he would most prefer to inaugurate his domicile. In such a scenario, ultimately, it will become a subject for him and his potentially betrothed to negotiate among themselves, as they each decide where they are willing to compromise, in order to bring to fruition a shidduch that seems quite right on many vital fronts, but slightly less so on others. 

After all, enduring as entirely intransigent is a poor recipe for triumph in shidduchim. No couple walks to the chupah without each party having to come to terms with conceding something meaningful for the sake of the true and higher goal in question – namely, marrying someone with whom they are excited about spending a lifetime and building a family, and about whom they are confident that their primary ideals as Yidden are synchronized harmoniously. 

May the Yosheiv Seiser impart but a drop from His hidden and secret knowledge upon all those who are navigating the windy roads of shidduchim, so that they, in turn, may succeed magnificently in unearthing and orchestrating that beautiful synthesis which only emerges when two disparate entities join as one in His service.