Yated Shidduch Forum 9/17/21: Should Parents Meet a Prospective Shidduch Before Saying Yes?
Question:
I’ve long wondered about the following. How come we, as parents, allow our children to go out with those whom we have never met before? What I mean is that when a shidduch is redd, we do research, and then, if we like what we hear, we give a yes and the boy and girl go out. If we’re the girl’s parents, we get to meet the boy for a few minutes before the date begins, but there’s no giving a no at that point; it’s too late. If we’re the boy’s parents, we don’t get to meet the girl until a few dates in.
Why is that? Shouldn’t the parents of a boy and a girl be meeting with their child’s prospective date before they even go out to see if they pick up on any red flags? Shouldn’t we be able to screen the prospective date before sending them out with our child?
Yated Shidduch Forum 9/3/21: Hishtadlus & Emunah: How Proactive Should We Be When it Comes to Shidduchim?
Question:
When I embarked on shidduchim with my daughter two years ago, I sought to understand the correct “mehalech.” My husband spoke to gedolim such as Rav Chaim Kanievsky, Rav Mordechai Brim, Rav Michel Stern and others, and each one told us the same thing, namely, that bas ploni l’ploni, meaning that her zivug is already prepared and the ultimate hishtadlus is to daven and daven to find him easily and to meet just a few shadchanim. I’ve read seforim and emunah books until it seeped into my bones that I’m merely a puppet and Hashem orchestrates it all from A to Z at the right time.
For the most part, when someone throws a boy’s name my way, I tell them to go to the other side first. Sometimes, when the person suggesting it knows me and the boy well, and it’s easy for me to do a little initial info with a couple of phone calls, I will gladly do so. I understand that it’s overwhelming for the mothers of boys.
My dilemma: I have a sister-in-law who has made around 45 shidduchim (only 2 or 3 in the last several years; she claims no one listens to her anymore). She is constantly telling my husband and me that our approach is totally wrong. She is always rebuking us for not giving a yes first, and she feels that I should get a hold of a list of good boys and seek them out first. She went as far as to say that it’s “the only method.”
I try telling her that:
a) I do sometimes do that (but it never helps).
b) It’s not the way of the world. It’s the girls’ privilege to get a yes first and be spared the rejections.
c) It’s above my level of hishtadlus according to the emunah I try to maintain.
My question is: Who is correct? My dear sister-in-law (who really means well and will be reading this) or my husband and me?