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Author: Shlomo

Yated Shidduch Forum 11/8/19: How Do I Cultivate a Meaningful Relationship During Dating?

Question:

In the dating process, how does one turn a superficial, casual relationship into a real, deep, close one? I dated someone for a while and really liked him, but my biggest concern was that our relationship was hardly deeper or more personal on the 7th date than it was on the 2nd. I felt that I did not know much more about this young man and there was almost no point in continuing.

One of the problems could be that I am a more private person, so I have a difficult time opening up and revealing my thoughts to others. 

Any tips for the next time I go out? 

Thank you. 

Yated Shidduch Forum 11/1/19: Breach of Confidentiality?

Question:
I have heard lately that along with the growing use of “shidduch groups” to network and share résumés and information about singles for shidduchim, there has developed a situation whereby many singles who meet a shadchan privately end up getting posted and mass shared without having granted permission. When they find out, they are very unhappy, but powerless to do anything, since by that point their information is already out there. What steps would you recommend a single take to ensure that their information doesn’t get mass shared without permission?

Yated Shidduch Forum 10/4/19: Should A Shidduch That Requires More Work Call for Paying More Shadchanus?

Question:
 
The current structure of shadchanus of compensation upon a completed shidduch with nary an allowance for the level of difficulty in getting that particular shidduch off the ground would seem to discourage shadchanim from focusing the majority of their time on singles who are less easy to set up. 
 
In addition, the current structure, which makes no allowance for the time, energy and expertise that a particular shidduch required to navigate it as it moves along, rewards and encourages the yes/yes-no/no style shadchanim, and “punishes” or at the very least discourages the shidduch manager style shadchanim who are expert and dedicated shidduch managers, who really invest themselves in the particular shidduch they are redding and give the couple and their families extensive time to guide them through the process.
 
This is happening at a time when our community more than ever needs shadchanim to really go to bat for the less-easy-to-set-up singles, as well as shadchanim who are highly skilled and willing to spend the time guiding the singles throughout the shidduch process once a particular shidduch is underway. Of course, the chesed component is somewhat of a motivator, but it only goes so far, as is obvious from the current reality that plays out on a daily basis.
 
What adjustments in the current shadchanus structure would you suggest to alleviate these issues?

Yated Shidduch Forum 9/20/19: I Was Misled About a Shidduch; Can I Get Paid Back for My Expenses?

Question:

Our son is learning in Eretz Yisroel, where he went out with a girl from America who was on vacation there. It was made clear to the girl’s family that our son is a very serious learner and wants to learn long-term. We told the shadchan this numerous times before and during the shidduch, and we asked if this is what they wanted, and the shadchan assured us that they did.
 
Our son met the girl five times in Eretz Yisroel and continued dating in the United States, because it looked like they were going to get engaged. After a few dates in America, it was broken off because, we were told, the girl’s father doesn’t believe in learning long-term. The father couldn’t convince our son that long-term learning is not his mesorah.
 
We feel that we were misled by the father in bringing our son back to the States, and we would like the forum panelists to present their views on whether we are entitled to compensation for the expensive travel costs.

Yated Shidduch Forum 9/13/19: Hesitant About Parents Incurring Debt to Offer Support

Question:

I’m a 20-year-old girl who has grown up in a home of Torah. My father is a hardworking person who learns during every minute he has available. We have a large family and my parents barely make ends meet. I want to marry a serious learner, but every boy asks if my parents will support. My parents are willing to take out a long-term loan to pay for this, but I don’t have the heart to let them fall into debt for me in this way. What do you recommend I do?

Yated Shidduch Forum 8/16/19: Dating Someone Who Has Divorced Parents

Question:
 
As a bochur in shidduchim, from time to time I get redd girls whose parents are divorced. I wish to know what my parents can ask when finding out information about the girl and what I can discuss with the girl on a date that can determine whether she has a healthy perspective and understanding of a relationship and a marriage. 
 
Can the answer to this question also be applicable to a girl whose parent(s) passed away?
 
(Although it may not be my place to offer my opinion, as I’m sure everyone’s situation in life is very different, I strongly believe that every boy and girl from a divorced home should be given a fair chance to be looked into, without being thrown under the bus the second the divorce info is seen on the résumé.) 
 
Your insight is appreciated.

Yated Shidduch Forum 8/9/19: Time to Do Away With Shidduch Resume Pictures?

Question:

As a shadchan for close to three decades, I would like to say that I’ve done a comparative study (it took about a second) and concluded that my having made 7 shidduchim before résumés with photos and one shidduch in the last 15 years is a clear sign that it is way harder to get a date off the ground these days. I still specialize in phone call/email momentum, still match people thoughtfully, and still feel optimistic each and every time. Only difference? Getting a boy to agree to go out with an average-looking girl or, even more often, with girls whose parents don’t want their photos all over town. Some boys just won’t take my word for it and won’t call/ask the references. No photo? Nothin’ doin’.
 
May I suggest, then, a new concept called retro-dating? Date like it’s 1995 or even 2002. Call the references. Ask around. Don’t say no to a girl because of a photo unless the rest of her information is not suitable as well. Not everyone is photogenic, yet they may sparkle in real life. And many fine-looking girls whose photos are not on their résumés for tznius reasons are being passed up for lack of photo alone. Retro-dating is my humble solution.