Yated Shidduch Forum 8/16/19: Dating Someone Who Has Divorced Parents
Question:
As a bochur in shidduchim, from time to time I get redd girls whose parents are divorced. I wish to know what my parents can ask when finding out information about the girl and what I can discuss with the girl on a date that can determine whether she has a healthy perspective and understanding of a relationship and a marriage.
Can the answer to this question also be applicable to a girl whose parent(s) passed away?
(Although it may not be my place to offer my opinion, as I’m sure everyone’s situation in life is very different, I strongly believe that every boy and girl from a divorced home should be given a fair chance to be looked into, without being thrown under the bus the second the divorce info is seen on the résumé.)
Your insight is appreciated.
Yated Shidduch Forum 8/9/19: Time to Do Away With Shidduch Resume Pictures?
Question:
As a shadchan for close to three decades, I would like to say that I’ve done a comparative study (it took about a second) and concluded that my having made 7 shidduchim before résumés with photos and one shidduch in the last 15 years is a clear sign that it is way harder to get a date off the ground these days. I still specialize in phone call/email momentum, still match people thoughtfully, and still feel optimistic each and every time. Only difference? Getting a boy to agree to go out with an average-looking girl or, even more often, with girls whose parents don’t want their photos all over town. Some boys just won’t take my word for it and won’t call/ask the references. No photo? Nothin’ doin’.
May I suggest, then, a new concept called retro-dating? Date like it’s 1995 or even 2002. Call the references. Ask around. Don’t say no to a girl because of a photo unless the rest of her information is not suitable as well. Not everyone is photogenic, yet they may sparkle in real life. And many fine-looking girls whose photos are not on their résumés for tznius reasons are being passed up for lack of photo alone. Retro-dating is my humble solution.
Yated Shidduch Forum 8/2/19: Why I am Not Hearing About More Single Women?
Question:
As a bochur in shidduchim for some time, with many friends in the same situation, and hearing that there are many girls also looking for their zivugim, I was wondering if there is anything that could be done to address this matter.
A married friend of mine told me that his wife has friends in the parsha for over two years who have not yet dated! Why aren’t we hearing about these girls?
Take a look at the frum real estate market. There are hundreds of agents working in that field. Yet, in the market of shidduchim, there are far fewer “agents” – namely, shadchanim. Now, obviously everyone has their basherte zivug and time, but b’derech hateva, if shadchanim were paid equivalent to other sales positions, wouldn’t there be more shadchanim, and in turn more shidduchim being redd, and we’d have more simchos?
I feel that shadchanim are undervalued and underpaid, and we may benefit drastically by paying them like it is a full-time job, because it is.
What do the panelists feel about this?
Yated Shidduch Forum 7/26/19: My Relative “Just Doesn’t See the Shidduch.” What Should I Do?
Question:
A shadchan thinks of a shidduch and suggests the idea to both sides. The boy’s side calls the references and gets very good information. The girl’s parents contact the boy’s references and they are pleased with what they hear. After several phone calls, the boy discovers that one of his relatives knows the girl and her family. The boy asks that relative for information. The relative thinks for a moment and says, “I just don’t see it. I don’t see it happening.”
The shadchan may also know both sides, but this relative knows the boy better. Should they go out?
Yated Shidduch Forum 7/19/19: Can I Tell People That I am Dating?
Question:
Who’s allowed to know when one is dating?
Assuming that a boy or girl should strive to have “minimal” research exposure regarding asking friends for info about others, how much can be shared about the dating process, such as asking an out-of-towner for info about a certain place, borrowing a gps/ties/games, notifying chavrusos/coworkers about one’s leave of absence, etc.?
Is there anything wrong with other people knowing that you’re dating? Is there a limit to how many people or in what regard? What are practical solutions to avoid the dilemma of giving fake excuses?
Yated Shidduch Forum 7/12/19: Can I be Guaranteed of a Blissful Marriage From The Start?
Question:
I was very disturbed by a sign that someone recently posted in the yeshiva where I learn. He wrote that he was recently married and, within the first week of sheva brachos, his wife was crying and he couldn’t figure out what he had done wrong. He goes on to write that after much money spent on therapists and going back to his chosson rebbi, etc., he was able to work things out, and he is thankful that he didn’t get divorced “like other newly married couples he had heard about.” He was writing to tell all those out there that are going through things that they’re not in it alone and that there’s ways to fix things up.
The fact that someone who had failed so miserably with his shalom bayis right from the start of his marriage was giving out advice on how to maintain a solid marriage seemed very ironic to me. But besides for that, it seemed faulty logic to me to allow himself to make a mistake with how to deal with his wife and to find out after he got married how to fix it up, when he could have learned all those tips before marriage and thus prevented such issues and then marriage could have been a lechatchilah situation, one of bliss and enjoyment, and not of resolving issues that were unnecessarily created.
Am I the one making a mistake here?
Yated Shidduch Forum 7/5/19: I Made My First Shidduch & I Can’t Stop Worrying About It. What Should I do?
Question:
Dear shadchanim,
I’m a young newlywed and I just made my first shidduch, boruch Hashem. It’s very exciting, but I have so much anxiety because I’m so nervous for it to work out. I feel like it’s on my head all day. Any advice? Is this normal?
Yated Shidduch Forum 6/28/19: How Should I Be Comparing the People I Date to Each Other?
Question:
I recently went out with a girl and we had excellent conversation, but for whatever reason it didn’t work out. More girls are being suggested, boruch Hashem, and the phone is ringing, so to speak.
What I’m wondering is whether I should allow the great conversations I had with the previous girl help me decide if the next girl could work or not. If the next time I go out, the conversations are good, or even great, but not as good as the ones with the previous girl, would that mean anything? Should I go ahead anyway?
In short, should I use the conversations I had with a prior girl to help me judge future dates?
Yated Shidduch Forum 6/21/19: How Should I Handle An Unexpected Encounter With My Ex or His/Her Parents?
Question:
What’s the protocol for when a boy bumps into the parents of a girl (or the girl herself) after having been on a few dates and the shidduch ended respectfully and/or mutually:
A) Ignore.
B) Turn red, avoid eye contact, and reverse course.
C) Give a quick nod and move along.
D) None of the above.
I’ve experienced this awkward situation time and again and would appreciate your guidance.
Yated Shidduch Forum 6/14/19: Should There be a Freezer Period for Single Women Entering Shidduchim?
Question:
As my children are nearing shidduchim age, I am beginning to catch on to the lingo and accepted norms, and I’m gearing up for the parsha. I am aware of the “freezer” that is set up for boys upon their arrival home from Eretz Yisroel, which gives them time to settle down, think, adjust, and begin in a new environment without immediately jumping into shidduchim.
Why is there no such arrangement for girls? Shouldn’t they get a chance to settle down from seminary, adjust to a new schedule, and think before jumping right into things? (If anything, they need it more after their “high” from seminary, giving them time to come back to earth.) Would it be correct to withhold one’s daughter from entering shidduchim for a little while until she settles down? Is it okay for a boy to only go out with a girl who had some time back home and is not right off the boat?
Answer: