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Category: Advice

Yated Shidduch Forum 3/22/19: How Can We Ensure That Our Shidduch Suggestions Are On Target?

Question:

Our child has been in shidduchim for eight months and has gone out a few times, but for some reason, the suggestions and dates do not seem to be on target. It is almost like we haven’t been able to effectively convey to people what it is that is right for our child, or perhaps we ourselves don’t even really know. How can we make sure that we have clarity of what our child is looking for, make sure that we are on the same page, and represent ourselves to others in an effective manner?

Answer:

Yated Shidduch Forum 3/8/19: Waiting for Months to Get a Date. What Can We Do?

Question:

I have a really great daughter who has been in shidduchim for about two years. She has an amazing personality, went to a great school and seminary, has great friends, etc. The bottom line is that she’s a real catch. We have been to countless shadchanim and are involved in the community. People know who we are. So what can possibly be the issue? My daughter has not gotten redd a single shidduch in about eight months! 

The waiting is agonizing for me and for her. We did and continue to do all that we possibly can. What are we doing wrong (if anything)? Is there any advice to make this process easier and more positive for all girls in shidduchim?
Answer:

Yated Shidduch Forum 3/1/19: We Already Gave a Yes. Can We Change Our Minds?

Question:
We gave a yes to a shidduch for our son, and as the girl’s side was checking out our son, the shadchan came back with a list of questions numerous times. We realized based on the questions that this was not a match. Both sides were looking for different attributes, and my son, in our opinion at that point, was not what they were looking for and vice versa.
We let the shadchan know while they were checking out my son that we were no longer interested and we explained why…

Yated Shidduch Forum 2/22/19: Do I Really Need a New Hat for My Wedding?

Question:
Boruch Hashem, I recently got engaged. A few of the expenses have made me wonder. Although my parents are in chinuch, we don’t mind spending $1,600 on an engagement bracelet in order to ensure that my kallah is happy, because that is the norm and I don’t want her to feel deprived. What bothers me is: Why in the world is this normal? Who made this part of the process? I don’t mind buying her jewelry even if it’s expensive, but not because “this is what everyone does” (and lemaaseh it is a lot of money)…

Yated Shidduch Forum 2/15/19: Single Men v. Single Women – Who Has It Easier In Shidduchim?

Question:
 
There is popular myth out there that it is easier to be a boy in shidduchim than a girl.
 
I am a (lucky) mother to have both a son and a daughter is shidduchim. Although it is a lot quieter on my daughter’s end (which can be a challenge too), shidduchim takes a lot more of a toll on my son. Dating frequently is very time-consuming and emotionally-draining, not to mention expensive. He is often required to travel in to the girl (up to five hours of driving there and back). Also, the overflow of names given to him first just means a lot more “nos” given to the boy’s side. Although boys are meant to be less sensitive, rejection is always hurtful. Once the dating begins, my son also has a lot more responsibility, such as carrying the conversation, deciding on a suitable venue, etc.
 
I think the boys deserve more validation and sensitivity. What are your thoughts?

Yated Shidduch Forum 2/8/19: Date 1 Was “DOA,” Should I Still Go On A Date 2?

Question:
I recently went out with a girl and after five minutes knew that it was, what I call, “totally no shaychus,” or “DOA.” For the duration of the date, I still tried to remain focused and polite and gave it my all. My feelings remained the same throughout the date, so I gave the shadchan a no, explaining, “I don’t see it going anywhere.” The shadchan accepted it and relayed the message to the girl’s side. I thought we would both move passed it quickly, as it wasn’t a drawn-out parsha. However, some of my closest family and friends (and even a rebbi) gave me tremendous flack and mussar when they heard what happened. They called me insensitive and rude, and said that it is so insulting to be dumped after one date.

Yated Shidduch Forum 1/25/19: Did He Call Too Soon?

Question:

My son recently went out with a girl and, after the second date, asked her if he can call her. Usually, this type of thing is made up with the shadchan beforehand, but in this case, my son told me that he sensed that the first two dates went very well, and, feeling spontaneous, he decided to ask about calling.

My son is a good, responsible boy, and while I was surprised – as was the shadchan – that he took this matter into his own hands, so to speak, I was wondering what my response should have been. Should I have been proud of his spontaneity? Did he do something inappropriate?