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Category: Advice

Yated Shidduch Forum 7/30/21: What Sacrifices Will I Need to Make for the Kollel Life?

Question:
 
I am a girl in shidduchim who is proudly looking for a learning boy. I understand the zechus of marrying and supporting a husband who spends his days immersed in limud HaTorah. But what are the sacrifices? As experienced shadchanim, can you describe, in brief, what sacrifices I may have to make in order to take on this important role? I’d like to be an “educated consumer” as I move forward.

Yated Shidduch Forum 7/23/21: Is It Ok for a Shadchan To End a Shidduch Via Text?

Question:

As a bochur who has been dating for a while, I feel compelled to ask: Is it not basic kavod habrios that if one side would not like to continue a shidduch, the shadchan should call the other party to inform them? I have been told many times via a brief text from the shadchan that a shidduch that felt promising to me is no longer interested in continuing. This is a difficult thing for boys and girls to hear.

Don’t we at least deserve the decency of a proper phone call from the shadchan? Or do you feel that a brief text is sufficient?

Yated Shidduch Forum 7/9/21: Closing In On 30 and Totally Confused. Please Help

Question:

I’m a twenty-seven-year-old boy and I have been dating for over five years. At this point, my head is spinning. I have been out with so many girls, and after every time, I find myself more confused that I don’t even know what I am looking for. I believe that I have to go back from the very beginning. Can you please give me guidance?

How do I know what girl is right for me? What qualities will help build a marriage and what not? How can I tell in a date if she will make a good marriage partner? Does she have to be exactly on my level in hashkafah? Does she have to enjoy the same activities I do? Do I have to agree with everything she says? If I love taking exotic vacations all over the world and she hates flying, is that a reason to say no? I really hope you can give me clear-cut guidance as to what to look for and what not to look for.

Yated Shidduch Forum 7/2/21: I Keep Getting Shidduch Calls About My Friends. Why Does No-One Trust Me?

Question:

For the past few months, I have received numerous phone calls about shidduch references for my friends whom I have not seen or spoken to ever since the coronavirus hemorrhaged all of our social lives. Even after I say nice things about my friends, the girls or their mothers decide that the prospect is not shayach simply because I don’t have 100% up-to-date information on the bochur. Seriously? Why isn’t learning about his middos tovos enough information just to say yes for a first date? Not even a Zoom date?

Meanwhile, I continue to see shidduch résumés of singles being posted in WhatsApp groups where the most up-to-date résumés feature references that include the phone numbers of rabbonim who were niftar during the height of the pandemic between Nissan and Sivan 5780. 

Perhaps the time has come to do away with or restructure the manner in which shidduch references are checked? If you want to get to know your spouse, why must you engage in excessively wasteful investigations rather than simply getting to know the other party in a natural face-to-face way? And for every shidduch suggestion that you reject over such nonsense, do you realize how much time you wasted by playing phone tag with the other party’s references who have their own busy lives?

I would love to read the panelists’ opinions on this matter.

Yated Shidduch Forum 6/25/21: Should Single Women Start Paying for the Second Date?

Question:

I am an independent shadchan in Flatbush and recently have been getting complaints from older single boys who have been getting pushed into dating older single girls. The girls are clamoring to get a date with these boys, but once they get the date going, usually after the second or third date, they are the ones dropping the shidduch.

One older single suggested the possibility of telling these girls, before the boy agrees to date them, that they – the girls – have the responsibility of arranging and possibly paying for the second date. He felt that if the girl puts in effort and invests in the date, it won’t be cheap in her eyes and she won’t just dump the shidduch so fast. What are your opinions?

Yated Shidduch Forum 6/18/21: No Reason to Say No, but Also No Reason to Say Yes. What Now?

Question:

I’ve gone out with a boy a few times. He’s nice and we have interesting conversations, but I feel so stressed when I think about going further, because I’m just not sure if he is someone I want to marry. There is nothing wrong with him, per se, and I don’t even know why I feel this way. Do I keep saying yes just because there is no concrete reason to say no? If so, at what point is not having a reason to say no not a good enough of a reason to say yes? 

Yated Shidduch Forum 6/11/21: Should Daters Be Speaking to Each Other Directly Before They Are Engaged?

Question:

I’m interested in reading the opinions of the panelists regarding boys and girls exchanging phone numbers before they are fully ready to get engaged. Personally, I feel that breaking down this barrier causes unnecessary anguish if the shidduch doesn’t work out, and it also forces the two of them to share their feelings about how it is going with each other as opposed to giving their feedback to the shadchan. What are your feelings on this matter?