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Category: Advice

Yated Shidduch Forum 11/6/20: Were We Cheated by Our Mechutanim?

Question:

When our son got married, we were promised a certain amount of support per month for him from our mechutanim. We found out later that the girl’s parents used her bank account to give the money. We felt like they were not honest with us. Is this typical in shidduchim? Is there anything to do?

Yated Shidduch Forum 10/30/20: Are People in Shidduchim Focusing on the Wrong Things These Days?

Question:

I’ve been married for ten years. My friend at work, who was single for a long time, recently got married. We are always trying to set up our friends and we noticed that people very often say no to the ideas we mention to them, giving very superficial reasons for doing so. Do you, as shadchanim and people in the world of shidduchim, find that people today are more materialistic and shallow (focusing on looks, where the family stands in the community, etc.) and not focusing on middos, or are people smarter and more cautious (focusing on mental health issues, frumkeit, etc.)?

Yated Shidduch Forum 10/16/20: I Am Limited in my Dating Options due to Covid. How do I Properly Communicate This Challenge to Shadchanim?

Question:

I am an easygoing out-of-towner who has been in shidduchim for a couple of years. With different Covid restrictions in different places, and each city responding differently, there are potential problems that can come up while traveling in to date. If I would have to fly in to date, according to state rules and CDC regulations, I would be required to quarantine before the state allows me to go out and date, and when returning home, I would have to quarantine as well. I am okay with doing that. However, because traveling in to date at this time requires many sacrifices, I would want to do a little more than the usual inquiries to make sure that I am not flying in for a “one-and-done.”

My question is what I should or should not say when contacting shadchanim to ask for new ideas. If I explain to the shadchanim that there may be these difficulties, I fear that they will think of me as picky and hard to work with and choose to not help me at this time. If I do not explain what I will have to go through in order to come in to date, then I fear that if a shidduch comes up, the shadchan may be upset at me for asking them to help me if there are so many obstacles in the way. 

How do you suggest I handle contacting shadchanim during this time without ruining our already positive relationship?

Yated Shidduch Forum 9/11/20: I Have the Perfect Idea but They Won’t Listen Because of my Age

Question:

As someone living in the frum world, I see the constant need for shidduchim to be made. Boruch Hashem, I am part of a large mishpacha that includes aunts, uncles, cousins and siblings. This means davening at least twice a day for the day my relatives will announce their engagement. 

I am a very social person by nature and “get” people. I noticed for myself the need for someone to come in and “make things happen.” So, when a close relative was close to entering shidduchim, I was on the lookout. It was total Hashgacha when I thought of something that seemed to me like a “glove shidduch.” I was so excited, because this girl was someone I admired immensely. 

The problem is that I am a teenager. It’s been three years since I thought of my first shidduch. Over these three years, a few more ideas came to me, but I am reluctant to try because of my first idea. A day hasn’t passed that I don’t think of my original idea. They are both amazing people – and still single. I spoke to my mother and friends of the girl, and everyone agrees with me – except the boy’s mother. Unfortunately I don’t feel like I can approach her, since she still thinks of me as a little kid. 

What should a teenager who wants to help the klal and feels like she/he can help get people married do? Are there any shadchanim available to help teenagers pursue their ideas?

Yated Shidduch Forum 9/4/20: Paying Shadchanim for Dates; Fair or Unfair?

Question:
 
Firstly, I want to thank all the shadchanim for their mesirus nefesh for Klal Yisroel. 
 
I was recently speaking to a shadchan regarding my daughter’s shidduchim and we were discussing the difficulties that many girls have getting dates. The shadchan told me that many parents pay shadchanim upwards of $800 just to get a first date, and it is understood that the shadchan will be compensated if it proceeds to a third date. This is in addition to the regular shadchanus that s/he will receive if the shidduch concludes. 
 
I am wondering if this is true. It is hard for me to understand why parents of singles have to buy their way through the system. Is the chinuch that we give to our children that just to get a first date we need to pay for it? And do families without money have a lesser chance in the system? Have we come to a point where money is the deciding factor of our children’s destiny?

Yated Shidduch Forum 8/14/20: When to Make a Medical Disclosure

Question:

It is common to have a dater disclose a medical issue to the other dater on the third, fourth or fifth date. I do not like to date a few times only to find out this information. I heard that some people ask about medical issues upfront in a way that halachically the reference has to answer. This way is more convenient for me, as I can avoid the first few dates. I know that the panelists are not poskim, but I want to know your feelings on the issue as far as procedure or how things are done.

Yated Shidduch Forum 8/7/20: When is it Time to Talk About Money?

Question:

At what point should parents of a boy and a girl speak about money and support during a shidduch process? In our last two shidduchim, we didn’t do so till after our children were already getting engaged. In a sense, it was already too late. There were certain things that we would have wanted to be ironed out earlier, but it almost seemed like there was never the right opportunity for that to take place. Is it the shadchan who should be asking when we want to talk about the finances? What is the prevailing custom when it comes to these things?

Yated Shidduch Forum 7/31/20: Am I Only Judged by my Weight?

Question:
 
Here’s what I am:
 
I’m extremely capable. I’m smart, talented – in short, geshikt. I have a great personality, I’m happy, I have depth, I constantly work on myself, I’m disciplined and balanced and loving and nurturing and healthy. I have a much sought-after job and I truly feel like I’m maximizing my potential. I have savings in the bank, and my parents are in klei kodesh but have enough to support. I come from a wonderful, large family. 
 
I am, I am, I am. 
 
But I’m not skinny. 
 
So go on a diet, right? 
 
I’ve dieted my entire life, literally…