Yated Shidduch Forum 7/24/20: Why do Boys Have to Say Yes First?
Question:
As a boy in shidduchim, I am easily able to see the significant advantage that boys have over girls in getting dates. Usually, a boy will just have to flip through a pile of résumés and pick the one that he feels is most suited for him (which is actually harder than it seems. But still). A girl, on the other hand, can wait for months before even getting the opportunity to start ”legally” researching.
Why does the system have to be set up this way? Why do boys have to give the first yes? Maybe, instead of the system that we have in place now, we should have it that when someone redds a shidduch, the resumes should be given to both sides, and either side can give the yes first. Personally, if I were to be given a resume which I know the other side is interested in pursuing, that would take precedence (given that it looks compatible) over the others, because of the added security of knowing that I will not be met with a no after all that work in researching.
Am I missing something here?
Yated Shidduch Forum 7/17/20: Maybe You Want to Check Him Out?
Question:
My friend and I have been in shidduchim for some time. We have noticed that there are close friends and family who want to show that they care about us and therefore try redding shidduchim for us. I am under the impression that they mean well, but it doesn’t necessarily come across in a pleasant way. They tend to pop names on us directly with basic information and say, “Maybe you want to check him out…”
We aren’t our own shadchanim. Those who thought of the idea should be taking the steps needed, looking into the other side a bit more and then contacting our parents before it comes to us.
We feel that when names just come and go, we get some hope that is totally useless, so why not avoid it in the first place? Any tips for us on how to handle it and any guidance to those who are trying to help their loved ones without hurting them in the process?
Yated Shidduch Forum 7/10/20: Why Did He Stop for Gas?
Question:
I recently went out with a boy, and on the way to drop me off at my home following the date, he stopped at a gas station to fill up on gas. He clearly had plenty of gas left in the car, but I guess he figured that it would be convenient to run this errand on the way. I immediately thought that it was strange that the boy chose to fill up on gas and didn’t wait till he dropped me off to do so.
Am I overreacting or do I have a legitimate question about the boy’s behavior?
Yated Shidduch Forum 4/17/20: Can I Dress Casually on a Date?
Question:
Is there any place in frum dating for a “casual” date – that is, a date on which one need not dress formally (a suit and tie for a boy and an outfit for a girl), but one can dress more casually?
Yated Shidduch Forum 4/10/20: Zoom Dating, Yay or Nay?
Question:
Due to the coronavirus social distancing restrictions, should dates take place via Skype, Zoom, or even by phone? If dating already started, is there any benefit in continuing remotely?
Any other advice for dating during these uncertain times?
Yated Shidduch Forum 3/13/20: Should I Ask Her Where She Wants to Go on a Date?
Question:
Reminiscing about our dating days, my husband and I have been debating the following: Should a boy ask a girl when he takes her out where she’d like to go? Or should he at least say, “I was thinking of going to ABC. Is that okay with you?”
My opinion is that, of course, it’s only mentchlech. My husband said that when he asked girls on dates where they’d like to go, they got all uncomfortable and said, “I don’t know. Whatever you want, etc.”
When we were dating, I remember being worried about this point, thinking that maybe he didn’t care about my opinion. We now laugh about it, and of course he cares about my opinion. It was simply that he did what he thought was most comfortable.
What do the panelists have to say about this?
Yated Shidduch Forum 3/6/20: Can I Ask Him for a Ride to the Bus Station After the Date?
Question:
Since I am an out-of-town girl in shidduchim, the following question has come up several times.
I usually make the effort to go in to the Tri-State area for the first two dates, as I know it is difficult for the boy to travel, miss yeshiva, etc. The means of transportation are either taking a bus or flying. Both options do not bring me straight to Lakewood, where most of the male dating population is located. Very often, it is much more convenient if the boy either picks me up or drops me off at the airport or where the bus arrives and leaves from.
For example, if I’m in Lakewood for a Shabbos and plan on taking the Sunday night bus back from Monsey, I would need the boy to bring me to Monsey after the date and go to a hotel that is on the way.
I was told by more than one person that requesting something like that prior to the date (through the shadchan, of course) is not mentchlech, as the boy isn’t the girls “taxi driver.” I am wondering what the panelists feel about this.
Thank you.
Yated Shidduch Forum 2/21/20: I Want a Dating Mentor, How do I Tell my Parents?
Question:
My friend mentioned to me that she has a dating mentor and was raving about how beneficial it is and how her dating has totally changed. As someone dating for the last year and a half, I would like to have a dating mentor, because when I come home from a date and my mother asks how it was and whether I want to see the boy again, it is somehow just not cutting it for me. I feel like there’s got to be more to it and I’m not getting the guidance I know is necessary.
The shadchanim are wonderful, but they’re so busy with redding shidduchim that they can’t give each match the time it needs. And why should they have to put in more time? They’re overloaded as it is.
I always feel like both my mother and the shadchan just want this one to work. They mean well, but I need more.
The question is: How do I tell my mother about my desire to have a dating mentor without offending her? And how do I tell the shadchan that I will be using a dating mentor without offending her?
Technically, neither one needs to know about it, but I’m just not comfortable with not telling them. So I guess I’m asking for guidance on how to receive my guidance.
Thank you.
Yated Shidduch Forum 2/14/20: Asking for a Picture, but Refusing to Give One in Return
Question:
As a shadchan who has her own opinions about whether pictures should be shared when a shidduch is redd, I must point out that I have found, unequivocally, that the ones driving the need for pictures are not the boys, but their mothers. In almost every case, the boy is not involved in the process whatsoever at that point. In fact, among the boys I have spoken to, every single one said that they’d be willing to go out without a picture being given.
So, let’s first stop blaming the boys for the picture issue, when it’s their mothers who are to blame.
Also, how am I to make sense of the fact that the very same mothers asking for pictures of the girls redd to their son give me a hard time when I ask them for a picture of their daughter?
Yated Shidduch Forum 12/13/19: Can I Ask Him if He Davens With a Minyan?
Question:
My son, who boruch Hashem is an excellent boy, went out with a girl, who, on the first date, asked him if he davens with a minyan three times a day. My son, a superb and ehrliche ben Torah, has virtually not missed a minyan since his bar mitzvah. However, he was very turned off by the question, going so far as to say that he views it as “socially off” to have been asked. “Socially off” is not the type of thing he’d usually say, so I was taken aback. But he felt strongly about it.
I don’t know what the equivalent question would be for a boy to ask a girl, but my son remarked that he’d never ask a girl that type of question.
What are the feelings of the panelists about my son’s response?