Yated Shidduch Forum 12/10/21: How Can I Reintroduce a Previously Rejected Shidduch Idea to my Family?
Question:
To the esteemed panelists:
It is admirable and appreciated that so many people want to suggest shidduchim, but unless the shadchan is extremely close to the single, they would not know if the single is currently dating someone, just finished a difficult dating situation and needs a break, or for any other reason might not be open to suggestions at the moment.
To avoid putting singles in the awkward spot of having to explain, be evasive, or make excuses (which typically prompt shadchanim to respond with explanations as to why the shidduch is truly a good idea even if the single already said that it doesn’t sound appropriate for them), I find it extremely helpful when people open with a general question of, “Are you available for shidduch suggestions at this time?” and wait for an affirmative response before making any suggestions.
I also feel that there is an element of respect in asking if someone is interested in suggestions at the time, rather than assuming that she is free and available to any suggestion that comes her way. It is my hope that sharing this message will make this opening line more commonly used.
Your thoughts?
Yated Shidduch Forum 11/26/21: A Kinder Gentler Way to Redd Shidduchim?
Question:
To the esteemed panelists:
It is admirable and appreciated that so many people want to suggest shidduchim, but unless the shadchan is extremely close to the single, they would not know if the single is currently dating someone, just finished a difficult dating situation and needs a break, or for any other reason might not be open to suggestions at the moment.
To avoid putting singles in the awkward spot of having to explain, be evasive, or make excuses (which typically prompt shadchanim to respond with explanations as to why the shidduch is truly a good idea even if the single already said that it doesn’t sound appropriate for them), I find it extremely helpful when people open with a general question of, “Are you available for shidduch suggestions at this time?” and wait for an affirmative response before making any suggestions.
I also feel that there is an element of respect in asking if someone is interested in suggestions at the time, rather than assuming that she is free and available to any suggestion that comes her way. It is my hope that sharing this message will make this opening line more commonly used.
Your thoughts?
Yated Shidduch Forum 11/19/21: I’m Not Having Any Success as a Shadchan. Should I Just Quit Already?
Question:
I have been redding shidduchim in my spare time for well over a decade, amounting to hundreds of suggestions. I’ve yet to make a shidduch.
My husband keeps encouraging me to continue, because it’s a big zechus, and one day I’ll finally succeed, but I think I’m done. I feel that it’s kind of like if someone opens a suit store, and after twelve years, they haven’t sold one suit yet. It would be ludicrous for him to remain open. I don’t see a difference. Please advise.
Yated Shidduch Forum 11/5/21: What Information can be Disclosed When Receiving a Call About a Shidduch?
Question:
My son was recently redd a shidduch, and I called a friend of the girl, who answered all my questions. Then, at the end of the conversation, she said, “I am sure you know that one of the siblings has an emotional issue.”
What, as a parent, am I supposed to do with a comment like that? And how much, in your opinion, should it play a role in looking into the shidduch further?
[Interestingly, while I appreciated knowing as much information as possible, I almost resented that the girl shared this information without me even asking about it.]
What are your thoughts?
Yated Shidduch Forum 10/29/21: Should A Young Single Woman buy Her Own Home as a Rental Property?
Question:
I have a wonderful 23-year-old daughter who is currently in shidduchim. She has been working for about 4 years so far and has a large sum of money in her savings account by now. We hope that she will be married soon, but we do not know Hashem’s plans.
I feel that it would be wise for her to use her money (which is rapidly going down in value) to buy a house. If she buys in a specific neighborhood that we are looking at, she can make a large down payment, and she can easily cover the mortgage payments with rental income.
She thinks it’s a good idea, but we both wonder if it would be a little weird for her to own a house before her marriage. Would her husband be happy about it? Would it put undue pressure on the couple to live in a specific neighborhood that he may not want to live in? Would her date be scared away and think that she is too high-powered?
We would really appreciate hearing your input.
Yated Shidduch Forum 10/22/21: To Go Into the Freezer or Not to Go Into the Freezer?
Question:
This question is no longer relevant to us, as you’ll see, but it may be applicable to others.
Before Yom Tov, our son came back from learning in Eretz Yisroel. We were unsure if we should have him go out right away or if we should wait until after the “freezer.” On one hand, he was being redd fine girls. On the other hand, he had just “landed,” and my husband and I thought that perhaps he should get himself settled before being thrown into the parsha of shidduchim. [In the end, because we were uncertain, we decided to wait and our son is now in the freezer.]
In general, what are the feelings of the panelists regarding this point? Should boys go out right after returning from Eretz Yisroel or are they better off waiting?
Yated Shidduch Forum 10/15/21: The Shadchanim Were So Eager to Meet Our Son. But for Our Daughter, We Just Cannot Get Through. What Gives?
Question:
My wife and I have a wonderful daughter who, boruch Hashem, has all the qualities and attributes that a Bas Yisroel should possess. She comes from a home that has invested in her totally (as many other homes have invested in their children). My wife and I are both professionals. We are both products of the yeshiva system. So what is the issue? We have been in contact with numerous shadchanim (at last count 8), and besides no suggestions from some, we have not even been afforded the courtesy of a return phone call from others.
When our sons were in shidduchim, shadchanim were falling over themselves to redd them shidduchim. Now, once they find out that we are calling about our daughter, there is no one home. What is wrong here?
Yated Shidduch Forum 9/17/21: Should Parents Meet a Prospective Shidduch Before Saying Yes?
Question:
I’ve long wondered about the following. How come we, as parents, allow our children to go out with those whom we have never met before? What I mean is that when a shidduch is redd, we do research, and then, if we like what we hear, we give a yes and the boy and girl go out. If we’re the girl’s parents, we get to meet the boy for a few minutes before the date begins, but there’s no giving a no at that point; it’s too late. If we’re the boy’s parents, we don’t get to meet the girl until a few dates in.
Why is that? Shouldn’t the parents of a boy and a girl be meeting with their child’s prospective date before they even go out to see if they pick up on any red flags? Shouldn’t we be able to screen the prospective date before sending them out with our child?
Yated Shidduch Forum 9/3/21: Hishtadlus & Emunah: How Proactive Should We Be When it Comes to Shidduchim?
Question:
When I embarked on shidduchim with my daughter two years ago, I sought to understand the correct “mehalech.” My husband spoke to gedolim such as Rav Chaim Kanievsky, Rav Mordechai Brim, Rav Michel Stern and others, and each one told us the same thing, namely, that bas ploni l’ploni, meaning that her zivug is already prepared and the ultimate hishtadlus is to daven and daven to find him easily and to meet just a few shadchanim. I’ve read seforim and emunah books until it seeped into my bones that I’m merely a puppet and Hashem orchestrates it all from A to Z at the right time.
For the most part, when someone throws a boy’s name my way, I tell them to go to the other side first. Sometimes, when the person suggesting it knows me and the boy well, and it’s easy for me to do a little initial info with a couple of phone calls, I will gladly do so. I understand that it’s overwhelming for the mothers of boys.
My dilemma: I have a sister-in-law who has made around 45 shidduchim (only 2 or 3 in the last several years; she claims no one listens to her anymore). She is constantly telling my husband and me that our approach is totally wrong. She is always rebuking us for not giving a yes first, and she feels that I should get a hold of a list of good boys and seek them out first. She went as far as to say that it’s “the only method.”
I try telling her that:
a) I do sometimes do that (but it never helps).
b) It’s not the way of the world. It’s the girls’ privilege to get a yes first and be spared the rejections.
c) It’s above my level of hishtadlus according to the emunah I try to maintain.
My question is: Who is correct? My dear sister-in-law (who really means well and will be reading this) or my husband and me?
Yated Shidduch Forum 8/20/21: Do I Have to Start Dating Right After Seminary?
Question:
In today’s times, it is expected that girls follow a system – elementary school, high school, seminary, and then shidduchim. What if, upon return from seminary, a girl (or her parents) feels that she is not yet ready to start shidduchim? How can she navigate our cookie-cutter society, which looks askance at anything that is perceived as deviating from the so-called cultural norm?