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Author: Shlomo

Yated Shidduch Forum 4/10/20: Zoom Dating, Yay or Nay?

Question:

Due to the coronavirus social distancing restrictions, should dates take place via Skype, Zoom, or even by phone? If dating already started, is there any benefit in continuing remotely?

Any other advice for dating during these uncertain times?

Yated Shidduch Forum 3/13/20: Should I Ask Her Where She Wants to Go on a Date?

Question:

Reminiscing about our dating days, my husband and I have been debating the following: Should a boy ask a girl when he takes her out where she’d like to go? Or should he at least say, “I was thinking of going to ABC. Is that okay with you?” 

My opinion is that, of course, it’s only mentchlech. My husband said that when he asked girls on dates where they’d like to go, they got all uncomfortable and said, “I don’t know. Whatever you want, etc.” 

When we were dating, I remember being worried about this point, thinking that maybe he didn’t care about my opinion. We now laugh about it, and of course he cares about my opinion. It was simply that he did what he thought was most comfortable.

What do the panelists have to say about this?

Yated Shidduch Forum 3/6/20: Can I Ask Him for a Ride to the Bus Station After the Date?

Question:

Since I am an out-of-town girl in shidduchim, the following question has come up several times. 

I usually make the effort to go in to the Tri-State area for the first two dates, as I know it is difficult for the boy to travel, miss yeshiva, etc. The means of transportation are either taking a bus or flying. Both options do not bring me straight to Lakewood, where most of the male dating population is located. Very often, it is much more convenient if the boy either picks me up or drops me off at the airport or where the bus arrives and leaves from.

For example, if I’m in Lakewood for a Shabbos and plan on taking the Sunday night bus back from Monsey, I would need the boy to bring me to Monsey after the date and go to a hotel that is on the way. 

I was told by more than one person that requesting something like that prior to the date (through the shadchan, of course) is not mentchlech, as the boy isn’t the girls “taxi driver.” I am wondering what the panelists feel about this.
Thank you.

Yated Shidduch Forum 2/21/20: I Want a Dating Mentor, How do I Tell my Parents?

Question:

My friend mentioned to me that she has a dating mentor and was raving about how beneficial it is and how her dating has totally changed. As someone dating for the last year and a half, I would like to have a dating mentor, because when I come home from a date and my mother asks how it was and whether I want to see the boy again, it is somehow just not cutting it for me. I feel like there’s got to be more to it and I’m not getting the guidance I know is necessary. 
 
The shadchanim are wonderful, but they’re so busy with redding shidduchim that they can’t give each match the time it needs. And why should they have to put in more time? They’re overloaded as it is. 
 
I always feel like both my mother and the shadchan just want this one to work. They mean well, but I need more. 
 
The question is: How do I tell my mother about my desire to have a dating mentor without offending her? And how do I tell the shadchan that I will be using a dating mentor without offending her? 
 
Technically, neither one needs to know about it, but I’m just not comfortable with not telling them. So I guess I’m asking for guidance on how to receive my guidance.
 
Thank you.

Yated Shidduch Forum 2/14/20: Asking for a Picture, but Refusing to Give One in Return

Question:
 
As a shadchan who has her own opinions about whether pictures should be shared when a shidduch is redd, I must point out that I have found, unequivocally, that the ones driving the need for pictures are not the boys, but their mothers. In almost every case, the boy is not involved in the process whatsoever at that point. In fact, among the boys I have spoken to, every single one said that they’d be willing to go out without a picture being given.

So, let’s first stop blaming the boys for the picture issue, when it’s their mothers who are to blame. 

Also, how am I to make sense of the fact that the very same mothers asking for pictures of the girls redd to their son give me a hard time when I ask them for a picture of their daughter? 

Yated Shidduch Forum 12/13/19: Can I Ask Him if He Davens With a Minyan?

Question:
 
My son, who boruch Hashem is an excellent boy, went out with a girl, who, on the first date, asked him if he davens with a minyan three times a day. My son, a superb and ehrliche ben Torah, has virtually not missed a minyan since his bar mitzvah. However, he was very turned off by the question, going so far as to say that he views it as “socially off” to have been asked. “Socially off” is not the type of thing he’d usually say, so I was taken aback. But he felt strongly about it.
 
I don’t know what the equivalent question would be for a boy to ask a girl, but my son remarked that he’d never ask a girl that type of question. 
 
What are the feelings of the panelists about my son’s response?

Yated Shidduch Forum 12/6/19: Indecision About Redding a Shidduch

Question:
 
Although I am not a shadchan, I try to keep an open eye for our young men and women still looking for “their right one.” I often find myself in the following predicament and would love some opinions and advice from the panel. 
 
Sometimes I give a name to a parent/shadchan and they will tell me that they need a couple of days for research, etc. In the meantime, I realize that the boy/girl is a good – or perhaps better – idea for someone else. Now what do I do? Do I just ignore the fact that I already redd this person to someone else or do I have to wait it out?

Yated Shidduch Forum 11/29/19: Always Worried About a Family Situation. When Should I Share the Information?

Question:
 
I’m a single girl in my early twenties. Boruch Hashem, I get dates often enough. My dating has been fairly typical, with some mutual no’s, some good tries, and some “no shaychus” dates. 
 
The thing is that I have a family situation. It is not something that has to do with me personally, and it is not something that most people know about my family. I’m finding that it’s holding me back from dating well, because I constantly feel like I’m on guard and like I’m hiding something. I am happy that boruch Hashem people don’t usually find it out when they check out my family and that my secret is safe, so to speak. But I feel like I can’t go much past the first and second date superficial conversations because of it. (I’ve dated boys four times or more, but it didn’t go anywhere.)
 
Sometimes I wish I can just tell on the first date so that I have a chance at open communication, but I was advised not to and I don’t think it’s smart, because then the boy will think of me as my family situation before getting to know me. On the other hand, I feel like a boy can’t get to know me anyway if I am so on guard.
 
Any advice? 

Yated Shidduch Forum 11/22/19: Why Won’t the Shadchan Call me Back?

Question: 
 
What can I do to get a shadchan to return my calls? I understand that a shadchan cannot return every call, but sometimes? 
 
And why is it that my friend’s calls are always returned? On paper, there is no difference between our daughters. Both attended the same schools, both are bright and personable. Can the only difference be the perception that one father’s income overshadows the other? (One is a business owner, the other a salaried employee.) Could this be the case? What are middle-class people to do?   
 
Thank you.