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Author: Shlomo

Yated Shidduch Forum 2/19/21: Are We Dating in the Wrong Places and for Too Long?

Question:

As a shadchan who has been involved in shidduchim for many years I feel deep empathy for the wonderful people who are waiting so long to find their bashertes. I think that the time has come to rethink what have become the “norms” in dating. It’s true that we’re in 2020 and the world we live in is light years away from “der heim.” However, the Torah values of tznius and kedusha should be with us nevertheless.

The number of dates, the venues that are used, and the late-night hours that have somehow become normal over the years perhaps need to reevaluated through the lens of Torah. In addition to halachic issues, are we maybe lacking the siyata diShmaya from the ultimate Shadchan due to His distaste for the way in which we go about our dating system?

Answer:

Yated Shidduch Forum 2/12/21: Thinking of Moving Out of My Parent’s House. Will this Negatively Impact My Shidduch Prospects?

Question:

I am a single yeshivishe woman in my early 30’s. As I am an adult, I believe that at this point it is appropriate to move out of my parents’ house and create my own living quarters, regardless of whether I have a husband by my side. All of my single friends either live on their own or with roommates, and all have grown from forging their own independent paths. However, I am told that moving out of one’s parents’ home is “bad for shidduchim.” Is that true? Will prospective shidduchim really turn me down because I don’t live at home?

Interestingly, I have found that within my circles, my friends prefer not to date men who are in their 30’s and still living at home since they usually turn out to be immature “mama’s boys.” Conversely, I hear stories of boys who fire a barrage of questions at girls who have chosen to move out. What’s your experience and take on the matter?

Yated Shidduch Forum 2/5/21: How Do I Know if I Should Say Yes to a Date with Someone Who Already Has Children from a Previous Marriage?

Question:

I am a single young man who is divorced. I was married for less than a year and do not have children. Some of the shidduchim being redd to me are wonderful young women who have a child or two.

How am I supposed to know if I should be considering a shidduch with someone who has children? I understand that being divorced is a “strike” against me, so to speak, but where do I “compromise” and where do I not?

Yated Shidduch Forum 1/22/21: Many of the People I Dated Have Real Problems. How Can I Best Bring This to Their Attention?

Question:

I’ve been dating for a number of years now and have met all kinds of people from different walks of life. It seems to me that some of the young men I happened to meet are so eager to marry and build a family that they get caught in their blinding desire and don’t realize that they actually have to build a relationship with me in order for us to connect and become husband and wife. They see their dream, but they don’t see me.

Other men simply have bad social skills, come late consistently, or have paralyzing anxiety that gets in the way of them connecting or being reasonably flexible. These people go on to date other girls, assuming they just haven’t found the right one.

My question is, after I date such a fellow, will I be doing him a service if I reach out to his rabbi or reference and let them know that this man, who wants to get married so badly, needs hadracha? Or do I go about my way and hope he gets what he needs somehow? If I do say something, how would I best go about it?

Yated Shidduch Forum 1/8/21: Are We Overeducating Our Daughter’s?

Question:

Like many people, I try from time to time to suggest shidduchim to singles I know. In the majority of cases, it’s the girl’s side who rejects the suggestion based on the fact that the boy isn’t spiritually suitable for them. It may be that the boy is learning in yeshiva but also attending school to learn a vocation and the girl wants a serious learner only. Or maybe he’s working and she only wants a learning boy. Or she may be okay with a working/college boy, but he has to be a solid ben Torah per her standards.

These rejection patterns are often repeated and have gotten me thinking. Many of these values are instilled in our girls during their high school and seminary years by well-meaning mechanchos….

Yated Shidduch Forum 1/1/21: Leaving Without Saying Goodbye?

Question:

On several occasions, my son has had girls run out of his car after a date. He tells the girl that he had a nice date, and then, for example, he adds that he’ll call her (if that’s where they’re up to), and she flies out of the car without a proper good night. 
There seems to be something missing in the training here. 

Have you found this to be an issue? If yes, who should be responsible to convey to girls – and boys – that at the end of a date, a proper goodbye and good night is mentchlech?

Yated Shidduch Forum 12/25/20: Why Must a First Date Take so Long?

Dear Panelists,

I am a single girl in shidduchim. I have an idea and I’m curious to hear what you think of it.  In my circles, it’s accepted that the first date is three hours long. Between driving to the hotel (or wherever people go now that hotels are closed), spending time there and driving back, the date is a full-night event…