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Category: Advice

Yated Shidduch Forum 12/6/19: Indecision About Redding a Shidduch

Question:
 
Although I am not a shadchan, I try to keep an open eye for our young men and women still looking for “their right one.” I often find myself in the following predicament and would love some opinions and advice from the panel. 
 
Sometimes I give a name to a parent/shadchan and they will tell me that they need a couple of days for research, etc. In the meantime, I realize that the boy/girl is a good – or perhaps better – idea for someone else. Now what do I do? Do I just ignore the fact that I already redd this person to someone else or do I have to wait it out?

Yated Shidduch Forum 11/29/19: Always Worried About a Family Situation. When Should I Share the Information?

Question:
 
I’m a single girl in my early twenties. Boruch Hashem, I get dates often enough. My dating has been fairly typical, with some mutual no’s, some good tries, and some “no shaychus” dates. 
 
The thing is that I have a family situation. It is not something that has to do with me personally, and it is not something that most people know about my family. I’m finding that it’s holding me back from dating well, because I constantly feel like I’m on guard and like I’m hiding something. I am happy that boruch Hashem people don’t usually find it out when they check out my family and that my secret is safe, so to speak. But I feel like I can’t go much past the first and second date superficial conversations because of it. (I’ve dated boys four times or more, but it didn’t go anywhere.)
 
Sometimes I wish I can just tell on the first date so that I have a chance at open communication, but I was advised not to and I don’t think it’s smart, because then the boy will think of me as my family situation before getting to know me. On the other hand, I feel like a boy can’t get to know me anyway if I am so on guard.
 
Any advice? 

Yated Shidduch Forum 11/22/19: Why Won’t the Shadchan Call me Back?

Question: 
 
What can I do to get a shadchan to return my calls? I understand that a shadchan cannot return every call, but sometimes? 
 
And why is it that my friend’s calls are always returned? On paper, there is no difference between our daughters. Both attended the same schools, both are bright and personable. Can the only difference be the perception that one father’s income overshadows the other? (One is a business owner, the other a salaried employee.) Could this be the case? What are middle-class people to do?   
 
Thank you.

Yated Shidduch Forum 11/8/19: How Do I Cultivate a Meaningful Relationship During Dating?

Question:

In the dating process, how does one turn a superficial, casual relationship into a real, deep, close one? I dated someone for a while and really liked him, but my biggest concern was that our relationship was hardly deeper or more personal on the 7th date than it was on the 2nd. I felt that I did not know much more about this young man and there was almost no point in continuing.

One of the problems could be that I am a more private person, so I have a difficult time opening up and revealing my thoughts to others. 

Any tips for the next time I go out? 

Thank you. 

Yated Shidduch Forum 11/1/19: Breach of Confidentiality?

Question:
I have heard lately that along with the growing use of “shidduch groups” to network and share résumés and information about singles for shidduchim, there has developed a situation whereby many singles who meet a shadchan privately end up getting posted and mass shared without having granted permission. When they find out, they are very unhappy, but powerless to do anything, since by that point their information is already out there. What steps would you recommend a single take to ensure that their information doesn’t get mass shared without permission?

Yated Shidduch Forum 10/4/19: Should A Shidduch That Requires More Work Call for Paying More Shadchanus?

Question:
 
The current structure of shadchanus of compensation upon a completed shidduch with nary an allowance for the level of difficulty in getting that particular shidduch off the ground would seem to discourage shadchanim from focusing the majority of their time on singles who are less easy to set up. 
 
In addition, the current structure, which makes no allowance for the time, energy and expertise that a particular shidduch required to navigate it as it moves along, rewards and encourages the yes/yes-no/no style shadchanim, and “punishes” or at the very least discourages the shidduch manager style shadchanim who are expert and dedicated shidduch managers, who really invest themselves in the particular shidduch they are redding and give the couple and their families extensive time to guide them through the process.
 
This is happening at a time when our community more than ever needs shadchanim to really go to bat for the less-easy-to-set-up singles, as well as shadchanim who are highly skilled and willing to spend the time guiding the singles throughout the shidduch process once a particular shidduch is underway. Of course, the chesed component is somewhat of a motivator, but it only goes so far, as is obvious from the current reality that plays out on a daily basis.
 
What adjustments in the current shadchanus structure would you suggest to alleviate these issues?

Yated Shidduch Forum 9/20/19: I Was Misled About a Shidduch; Can I Get Paid Back for My Expenses?

Question:

Our son is learning in Eretz Yisroel, where he went out with a girl from America who was on vacation there. It was made clear to the girl’s family that our son is a very serious learner and wants to learn long-term. We told the shadchan this numerous times before and during the shidduch, and we asked if this is what they wanted, and the shadchan assured us that they did.
 
Our son met the girl five times in Eretz Yisroel and continued dating in the United States, because it looked like they were going to get engaged. After a few dates in America, it was broken off because, we were told, the girl’s father doesn’t believe in learning long-term. The father couldn’t convince our son that long-term learning is not his mesorah.
 
We feel that we were misled by the father in bringing our son back to the States, and we would like the forum panelists to present their views on whether we are entitled to compensation for the expensive travel costs.

Yated Shidduch Forum 9/13/19: Hesitant About Parents Incurring Debt to Offer Support

Question:

I’m a 20-year-old girl who has grown up in a home of Torah. My father is a hardworking person who learns during every minute he has available. We have a large family and my parents barely make ends meet. I want to marry a serious learner, but every boy asks if my parents will support. My parents are willing to take out a long-term loan to pay for this, but I don’t have the heart to let them fall into debt for me in this way. What do you recommend I do?