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Yated Shidduch Forum 4/22/16: Who Should Redd the Shidduch?


A professional shadchan redd a very lovely young man to my daughter. They went out a few times, but somehow they were not a match. Having met the young man at my house and from what my daughter told me, both my daughter and I think it would be a very good idea for a friend of hers. Do I have to get in touch with the original shadchan who suggested this young man for my daughter and then give him the information concerning my daughter’s friend so that he can try to redd it? Or is it okay for me to now contact the boy’s mother and say that although it didn’t work for us, we have a suggestion to make that we think would be perfect?

In either case, if it does work out, how should the shadchanus be dispensed?


Of the two questions you are asking, it is the first one that appears to me to be more specifically appropriate to this forum, and as such that is the question I would like to give more attention to. The second one, which I would like to address in brief, is really a question that should be asked to a rov who is familiar with the halachos and minhagim of paying shadchanus.

Redding a shidduch is something that is inherently exciting. When someone redds a shidduch, especially one between two people that they know and really feel are right for each other, one often believes that they have truly found the bshert for each of the singles, and perhaps even expects the shidduch to be successful. If they were not to feel this way, they probably wouldn’t be redding the shidduch to begin with. As you even stated yourself in your question, “we have a suggestion to make that we think would be perfect.” It can be an enthralling and invigorating endeavor to throw oneself into.

However, on top of being a tremendous zechus, redding a shidduch is even more so a tremendous achrayus. Peoples lives are truly at stake. From the initial phone calls being made to try and get the two yeses, all the way through the tireless work of being the shadchan during the dating and leading up to, b’ezras Hashem, an engagement, there are countless potential pitfalls and complexities that must be handled with the utmost care. It is of course the bechira of the couple and the families themselves, but a mistaken piece of advise or a misstated message, can potentially end an otherwise excellent shidduch.

Therefore, regarding your original question, the person who should redd the shidduch is the person who is most likely to do so successfully. This might be you, the one who had the idea to begin with, it might be the original shadchan who had set up your daughter with this young man, or it might be another shadchan entirely who is more familiar with the young man, woman, or both. As well, the shidduch might be most successfully redd if one of these three people sets out to get the yeses, and then passes off the shidduch to one of the others to be the shadchan during the dating itself. It does not seem to me that anyone in specific can claim bailus over the chance to redd the shidduch. Redding a shidduch is not a proprietary issue, it is a great responsibility and one that should be shouldered by whomever it is that has the highest likelihood of doing so successfully.

Pertaining to your second question, this is an area which is a matter of bailus, and is very much a proprietary issue. After it is decided who should be the one to proceed with redding the shidduch, if the shidduch turns out to be successful, it must be decided who is to be considered the maschil, who is to be considered the shadchan, and who is to be considered a helping hand. The dispensing of the shadchanus, and calculating which person gets what percentage of the shadchanus, is very much dependent on which of the above categories they fall into. Aside from the fact that everyone involved is very much a nogaya b’davar, it is a rov or posek that must be the one to decide this matter.

Personally, it brings a smile to my face to hear that even though this young man was not the one for your daughter, you are both still open to seeing his maalos and redding him to another young woman with whom you feel he may be more suitably matched. Whoever it is that ends up redding this shidduch, may Hashem see that the zivug is oleh yafeh, and that your daughter finds her zivug as well, kulam b’karov. This time of geula and simcha is particularly m’sugal to seeing yeshuous.

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