Yated Shidduch Forum 5/14/21: How About Sending Shidduch Videos Instead of Shidduch Pictures?
Question:
I thought of an idea to help address our shidduchim needs. Why not have boys/girls send in a short clip of themselves talking about themselves and what they are looking for in a shidduch and their priorities? This would be very helpful in preventing DOA shidduch dates and would have a lot more people going out on dates which they may have avoided had they not seen the clip. In order to ensure privacy, these videos would be sent to shadchanim only. This can also keep the shadchanim’s memories refreshed, as they can refer to the videos as needed.
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Yated Shidduch Forum 4/30/21: We Got a Yes and Then They Backed Out. Is That Allowed?
Question:
I recently redd a shidduch to a talmid of mine. His mother got back to me before Yom Tov, telling me that she was interested in her son meeting the girl who I had suggested. I let the girl’s family know right away and waited to hear back from them. Even though it was a busy week of Yom Tov, they got back to me about a week after I had called them, saying that they, too, were interested in the shidduch. The girl, being from out of town, started making travel plans to come in before the week was over. I called my talmid’s mother the next day to inform her that the girl’s side was interested and wanted to set up a date. To my surprise, she informed me that her son had just begun dating a different girl and that she would get back to me if that shidduch didn’t go anywhere.
I was shocked to hear that they had gone ahead with a different shidduch after giving a yes to this girl, but I am wondering if maybe I’m just being naive. Is this how it works? Can a boy’s mother give a yes to more than one girl at a time and let her son go out with whoever gets back to her first? Or was this wrong on her part? I am aware that it’s a “boys’ market” out there, but does that mean that parents can use that to their advantage in this way?
Another question: Is there anything I could/should have done differently? Should I have kept them posted more frequently? Should the girl’s side have given an answer sooner? Maybe there should be an official time limit when research time expires and the next girl gets a chance to come up to bat.
I’m hoping you can share your insight into this matter. Thank you.
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Yated Shidduch Forum 4/9/21: Should We Be Paying Shadchanim A Whole Lot More Money?
Question:
I recently worked hard and made a shidduch, and each side paid me $1,100. While I know that that’s a lot of money, in my opinion it’s not enough to get me to continue to make more shidduchim. Is it perhaps time, in the year 2021, to up the shadchan’s money to $2,500 from each side? $1,100 is what people were paying 25 years ago.
Perhaps, then, more people will try to make shidduchim. It can only help. Everyone is complaining that shadchanim are overloaded and that there are not enough shadchanim, so maybe we should pay a little more. Money talks. And don’t tell me that people have no money. There is plenty of money for other things. There will be money for this, as well.
Yated Shidduch Forum 3/26/21: 5-Minute Interviews; Do Shadchanim Really Understand Me?
Question:
I recently started the parsha of shidduchim. I have met with several shadchanim since I got back from Eretz Yisroel. While some of them sat down to speak to me, some merely bumped into me and asked me my name, where I learned, and what my parents do. Then these shadchanim began sending résumés to my mother.
My question is: Do these shadchanim really have a picture of who I am and what I’m looking for? Am I right for feeling that they are just matching me with a girl who “learned in the same type of yeshiva”?
Bekitzur, do shadchanim really get a clear picture of what the singles they are redding are about and what we’re looking to do?
Yated Shidduch Forum 3/19/21: The Shadchan Told Us We Have “No Chance.” What Now?
Question:
My wife has a sister who has been in shidduchim for over four years. We work tirelessly to try to get her married. It has happened numerous times that when we contact shadchanim to redd a certain shidduch to the boy’s side, they refuse to even redd it, claiming that we have “no chance.”
Is that the way it is supposed to go? Should we not be trying for the qualities my wife’s sister is looking for in a boy because “we have no shot” anyway?
Yated Shidduch Forum 3/12/21: Should We Splurge on Seminary for Better Shidduch Prospects?
Question:
I am an out-of-town mother. Due to financial difficulties, it would be a major strain on us to send our daughter to a “top” seminary, but we feel obligated as parents to accept this due to the fact that these days, our daughter may have difficulties getting a good shidduch. Does the panel think that it makes sense to accept this financial burden on ourselves?
Yated Shidduch Forum 3/5/21: What is the Point of All this Dating??
Question:
I’m a chassidishe lady married nine years. When I was 21 years old, my parents found a shidduch that matched the picture I had in my head as to what type of boy I wanted to marry. I had three “beshows” and got engaged. (I actually believe that the third beshow was a waste of time.) I am very happily married.
I am watching my non-chassidishe brother-in-law date girl after girl and I am seriously plotzing. I want to ask all of you: All of you are married. Did you really, truly get to know your spouse when you dated? Did you not have any major surprises after you got married? Have you not changed at all since you got married? What is the point of all this dating?
You don’t truly know what life is all about and you can’t ensure yourself a happier future. Shouldn’t you just encourage the girl and the boy to simply make sure that the other party is ehrlich and a mentch and just get married? Everything will just work itself out after that. If you want to argue that the divorce rate is higher among those who do beshows (and I don’t know if that is true), then I’ll tell you that the marriage rate is definitely higher.
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Yated Shidduch Forum 2/26/21: Why Does No-one Ever Call Me Back?
Question:
I spoke to the mother of a boy to find out some details about her son to see if he would be a shidduch for my friend. (This boy is my brother’s friend.) After I had asked all my questions, I emailed her with the résumé of my friend. After about a week, she had not responded, so I sent another email, asking if she can confirm that she received the résumé. Still no response. About two weeks later, I called her and she said, “Oh, thank you so much for thinking of my son, but I don’t think that it is for him.”
Honestly, where is the mentchlechkeit in that? Someone took the time to think of your son and you couldn’t even respond with an email? For myself, it’s frustrating, but for my friend, whom I called to get her résumé, it can be so unsettling to know about an open shidduch. (I had those experiences as well.)
My basic question is: What happened to just being a mentch?
Thank you.
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Yated Shidduch Forum 2/19/21: Are We Dating in the Wrong Places and for Too Long?
Question:
As a shadchan who has been involved in shidduchim for many years I feel deep empathy for the wonderful people who are waiting so long to find their bashertes. I think that the time has come to rethink what have become the “norms” in dating. It’s true that we’re in 2020 and the world we live in is light years away from “der heim.” However, the Torah values of tznius and kedusha should be with us nevertheless.
The number of dates, the venues that are used, and the late-night hours that have somehow become normal over the years perhaps need to reevaluated through the lens of Torah. In addition to halachic issues, are we maybe lacking the siyata diShmaya from the ultimate Shadchan due to His distaste for the way in which we go about our dating system?
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Yated Shidduch Forum 2/12/21: Thinking of Moving Out of My Parent’s House. Will this Negatively Impact My Shidduch Prospects?
Question:
I am a single yeshivishe woman in my early 30’s. As I am an adult, I believe that at this point it is appropriate to move out of my parents’ house and create my own living quarters, regardless of whether I have a husband by my side. All of my single friends either live on their own or with roommates, and all have grown from forging their own independent paths. However, I am told that moving out of one’s parents’ home is “bad for shidduchim.” Is that true? Will prospective shidduchim really turn me down because I don’t live at home?
Interestingly, I have found that within my circles, my friends prefer not to date men who are in their 30’s and still living at home since they usually turn out to be immature “mama’s boys.” Conversely, I hear stories of boys who fire a barrage of questions at girls who have chosen to move out. What’s your experience and take on the matter?