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Yated Shidduch Forum 9/2/16: Sharing a Positive Report After a Shidduch Call


I am an eleventh grade teacher and I was called about one of my students, who I think very highly of. I gave an extremely positive report, raving about this girl’s qualities. I was wondering what the panelists feel about letting this girl know that I was called for shidduch-related info and that I gave a great report. I was thinking that it would really make her feel good if I let her know. Is there any downside to informing her that I was called and how I responded?


In general, there is a certain shroud of secrecy around shidduch investigation, and while in many respects we could all stand to gain from a little more transparency, there is still what to be said for some matters being kept more private.

As far as sharing your conversation with the young woman whom you were called about, I am sure that you are correct, and sharing your positive report will bring her great joy. That said, in thinking it over, there is one notable downside that I can think of.

It would truly be a shame for this young woman’s hopes to be dashed if the bachur’s family were to say no, despite your superlative report. Most families make at least 3 calls, if not more, to the various references listed on a young woman’s profile, and there is no way to know what the other references said about this young woman. Additionally, there is also no way to know if the wonderful young woman you described, is the exact type of wonderful bas yisroel that this bachur is looking for.

In speaking with a local Rav about whether or not he shares his positive reports with singles after he is called about prospective shidduchim for them, I believe that the following policy can accomplish your stated goal, while avoiding the potential downside outlined above.

Instead of making an immediate and concerted effort to contact this young woman right away, wait a month or so. At that point, if you happen to see her out and about, or have reason to call her about another matter, you can let her know that you had received a shidduch call about her some time ago, and that you gave a sterling report. If such an opportunity does not arise, you could always call her to say hello and see how she is doing. During the course of the conversation, you can make sure to mention that you had received a shidduch call about her a little while back and share with her the wonderful report you gave.

There is little to nothing to be lost in waiting before you share your conversation with your former student, and by doing so, you can avoid the concern that she will be disappointed if the shadchan does not call her with a yes in the next few days. As long as you make it clear that the call you received happened some time in the past, the young woman will know that either the bachur said no, or perhaps it was even someone she dated recently. Either way, she will not spend the next couple days sitting on pins and needles waiting to see if her phone rings with a yes from a shadchan

It is inspiring to see someone who looks to go out of their way to bring joy and happiness to others. May HaKadosh Boruch Hu be yimaleh kol mishaalos libcha ltovah.

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