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Website sponsored by Mr. & Mrs. Malkiel Goldberger in honor of their precious children
info@shidduchcenter.org | 443.955.9887

Yated Shidduch Forum 8/3/18: Scary Driving on a Date

Question:

What should a young lady do if she went on a first date with a young man and would like to continue, but his driving really scares her?

Answer:

That a young man adopted driving habits which are conspicuously more liberal than those of the young woman he is dating is not exceptionally surprising to me. However, that he lacked the wherewithal or the restraint to actively pull back from such vehicular verve on a first date is perhaps worthy of consternation, presuming, of course, that his automotive operation was, indeed, objectively harrowing.

As far as what could be done to effectively address the issue, I believe an honest and straightforward exchange on the next date is in order. Parenthetically, it may be prudent for the young daters to arrive at their destination independently of one another, in hopes of sparing this young lady from further fright leading into the dialogue. Such a conversation has the capacity not only to attend to the particular, presented problem, but even more importantly, it may plant the seeds with which to cultivate the crucial creation of clear and candid lines of communication when matters of consequence need to be broached, in any and all areas.

Now, with respect to the actual matter at hand, by my estimation, it encompasses two essential elements in need of attention.

The first matter is one of simple, shared stances on safety, and the goal here is to ascertain, at the very least, whether or not this young man evidences a notable degree of agreeableness to the danger he poses to himself, his passengers, and all others on the road, as a result of his reckless driving.

Should his response display an appreciation for this apparent hazard to the wellbeing of self and others, and it is just a matter of unlearning his previously implemented poor practices and replacing them with new and improved ones, that would be an excellent first step. And given such an assurance, I would consider it fair to take him at his word and continue dating, keeping a keen eye out for future positive modifications, or lack thereof. On the other hand, if he demonstrates a devil-may-care attitude about safety in general, that may well festinate a real cause for pause, and thus necessitate a reconsidering of the potential of the match, given the glaringly incongruent personality types and attitudes regarding a rather weighty topic.

Secondly, this may provide an excellent opportunity to assess whether this young man is overall courteous and comfortable when constructive criticism is conveyed, or if he suffers from indefatigable intransigence.

If he presents with a plainly palpable personal preclusion to perceiving the positions of others, that would be a red flag large enough to warrant grave concern of its own, whatever the topic-du-jour may be. However, if he is willing to earnestly consent to the dilemma, welcome the vantage point of another person, and acquiesce to work towards a compromise, such would be an impressive exhibit of the strength of his character.

May the Shomer Nafshos Yisroel, Hagomel lachayavim tovos, see that we are all afforded ample prudence and determination, so that we may continually and dutifully fulfill the precept of u’shmartem meod es nafshoseichem.

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