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Yated Shidduch Forum 8/10/18: What to do When Younger Siblings Protest a Shidduch Idea?


shidduch was redd to our son and we are considering giving a yes. Everything sounds great. However, two of my other sons, ages 18 and 20, found out about the shidduch and are adamantly against it. They say that they “know the girl’s brothers from camp” and there is “no way” the shidduch can proceed. “You can’t be serious,” “They’re not our type,” and, “There’s no way we can spend a whole simcha with them” are some of the comments my sons made. 

I don’t know what goes on among bochurim in camp or yeshiva. Maybe these boys just didn’t hit it off. 

Whatever the case is, I am in a quandary. Should the opposition of my other two sons be enough for me to move on from this idea?


Though I do believe that the matter of familial compatibility is deserving of some credence, I also feel strongly that such deliberations should generally not extend past the adjudications of the daters themselves towards the family they are considering marrying into. And they should certainly not be inclusive of the quailing of siblings who are barely of age to hold a qualified adult opinion, and which, in this circumstance, appear to be founded on nothing more than the flotsam of some sort of undisclosed and undefined summertime imbroglio that is completely unrelated to the essence of character of their prospective sister-in-law to be.

As such, if the young woman in question is coming up all aces, and if the research that was done indicates that the suggestion is overall on point and the family is of an upstanding nature, I see no reason for further qualms based purely on the presented protestations of younger siblings. Especially not when their disavowals are rooted merely in a disinclination towards having to be in the vicinity of the brothers of this young woman, as opposed to their having had a meaningful concern with the young woman herself, or at least having clearly articulated a real issue of substance with respect to her family that could actually be corroborated, and might be worthy of some additional exploration.

It would be one thing if these young men were making a determination about a shidduch of their own, and chose to reject it because they could not abide living a life with the brothers of this young lady. However, and to put it bluntly, to preclude their own brother from entering into a shidduch with an outstanding young woman – due solely to their own past personal, displeasing experiences with people whom they will only have to peripherally co-exist with in the future for the duration of one week’s time – strikes me as immensely unsettling and childishly entitled.

Consequently, and in summation, no, I do not believe in this case that the fustigations of siblings should have any bearing whatsoever on the decision of whether or not to proceed with an otherwise wonderful idea. And should the shidduch pan out, b’ezras Hashem, I would hope that everyone in the family will be fully supportive of the chosson, and keep any and all of their own issues to themselves, so as not to interfere in any way with the simcha.

May the Oseh Shalom Bimromav impart harmony and goodwill between all the children of His beautiful and treasured nation.

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