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Website sponsored by Mr. & Mrs. Malkiel Goldberger in honor of their precious children
info@shidduchcenter.org | 443.955.9887

Yated Shidduch Forum 8/17/18: An Unexpected Language Barrier

Question:

I went out with a girl two times and the dates went well. However, during our conversations, she kept using certain phrases, like “Oh my gosh,” and “It was sooo amazing” and, most of all, “like.” I was like no way. I was like are you kidding? I was like this… I was like that…

I found myself so distracted by her lingo that I was actually waiting for the next use of one of these phrases. 

However, the girl seems like a fine person, and the dates, overall, went well. 

How do I get past the distraction of her language? Or is it a serious enough problem for me to take into account?

Answer:

In order to distinguish whether the idiolect of the person one is dating is an obstruction sufficiently serious as to warrant the shidduch’s cessation, I believe one first must come to an understanding of why the parlance is so exasperating to them. And in this case, it appears to me that there are two likely options.

On the one hand, if one feels that another person’s particular method of speech might be indicative of an overall disposition or persona that is not compatible with one’s own, it may indeed be cause to conclude the shidduch. Nonetheless, I do not imagine that two-dates-time is adequate enough to decisively determine that the phraseology of the person one is dating is suggestive of a personality so vastly different from one’s own that the shidduch must be concluded.

As such, I would recommend going out at least one or two more times, and endeavoring to better assess the personality match, before making any major decisions based on mode of vernacular alone.

On the other hand, if this form of verbal expression is not symptomatic of an irreconcilable character incongruity, but, rather, is simply akin to any other trait which one finds irksome, then it is quite possible that as an emotional bond builds, the mannerism will become less and less irritating. During the earlier stages of dating, when there is usually yet little in the way of a meaningful relationship, external idiosyncrasies often take up a great deal of foreground space. And when there is a concentrated fixation on the superficial, an otherwise diminutive barrier can give off the deceptive impression of being one that is impossible to overlook or overcome. However, as interpersonal connection grows, and as one begins to appreciate the internal depth of the person they are dating, those peripheral peculiarities often phase themselves out, or slide far into the background.

Consequently, it would once again be my opinion that at least a couple more dates are called for, as they will hopefully allow for one to effectively discern exactly how pestiferous this argot really is, if at all.

Additionally, it is worthy to note that diction is often passing. It may be the result of youthful conviviality, the social norms of one’s circle of friends, or the dialect of one’s provenance. In any of these cases, as one matures, and begins to establish their own family, new habits are shaped as old ones are shed. To be clear, that such will take place in any given scenario is not an irrefragable guarantee of any kind, but it is certainly within the realm of the conceivable, and perhaps even the probable.

May the Dover Maisharim grant clarity and prudence to all those in shidduchim, and may that capacity lead to the building of countless baatim neemanim b’Yisroel.

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