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info@shidduchcenter.org | 443.955.9887
Website sponsored by Mr. & Mrs. Malkiel Goldberger in honor of their precious children
info@shidduchcenter.org | 443.955.9887

Yated Shidduch Forum 1/18/19: How Should I Ask Questions on a Date?

Question:

A friend of mine told me that when she dates, she will often ask the boy very pointed questions, such as: “If you could go back in time and meet anyone, who are some people you would choose and why?” “If you had so much money that you never needed to work a day in your life, what would you do?” “What do you hope to bring to a spouse’s life?” “Are you a giving, caring person?” “If you were stuck somewhere and needed to get out, who are the three people you’d want with you?” “What would you do if….?”

I find it funny, and sometimes ridiculous, to pose these types of questions on a date, making it almost like a job interview. Won’t everyone just try to answer these questions, and others, in ways that make themselves look good? What’s the point?

I feel that regular, normal conversations do the job, and either you learn enough about the other person or you don’t. My friend disagrees and is a proponent of asking interview-type questions.

How do the panelists feel?

In essence, there are two primary elements which need to be discerned while on a date: harmony of personality, and consonance of outlook and life-goals. And the vehicles used to make these determinations – verbal expression, and intellectual and emotional data mining and processing – are perhaps the most personalized mediums known to humankind. 

Accordingly, there are some who prefer to gather and sift through information conversationally and casually; others who favor a more formal, albeit direct, question and answer format; and yet others who are partial to dramaturgical displays and abstract absorption and analysis. And as far as one’s counterpart presenting themselves in a fashion that might be misrepresentative for the sake of looking optimally commendatory, such a result could emerge regardless of the style of discovery being utilized. 

As such, provided that one’s tactics are not habitually off-putting to those whom they date, ultimately, there is no right or wrong way to go about it. There is only the manner which allows for each individual to commodiously and confidently collect and comprehend communications in order to make proper adjudications. Consequently, you and your friend are either both correct, or both mistaken. Meaning to say, without being unreasonably obdurate, each person must adhere to their desired method, trusting that it will bring them closest to accurate and reliable decision-making.

May the Goleh Amukos grant us all a superabundance of chochmah, binah, vadaas so that we may successfully make sound and insightful resolutions in all areas of life.

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