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Category: Advice

Yated Shidduch Forum 10/7/22: Should I Dump Him Because He Didn’t Check My References?

Question: 
 
I just went on a fifth date with a bochur. He seemed like he was everything I was looking for in a husband, until he dropped a bombshell by disclosing that neither he nor his parents checked any of my references. His rationale behind refusing to check references was his preference for natural face-to-face communication, rather than using reference checking – which I actually consider to be the only valid form of dating someone. I think I feel cheated. Is this a reason to end it with him?

Yated Shidduch Forum 8/12/22: How to Handle Shidduch Research Calls from Anonymous Calls?

Question:
 
I have a follow-up to the question from a few weeks ago about serving as a shidduch reference.
 
Recently, quite a few times, I got calls about singles from people, but they refused to provide their name or their relationship to the shidduch (meaning if it’s for their son, daughter, or some other relative).
 
Am I obligated or expected to provide shidduch information to people who don’t want to identify themselves? Am I doing a disservice to the singles in question if I insist on the people revealing their identities (in which case I really don’t know if the names and info they give me are genuine anyway)? Or am I just being too paranoid?

Yated Shidduch Forum 6/24/22: I am a Child of Divorce in Shidduchim. Why do People Seem to Hold this Against Me?

Question:

I am a child of divorce who has been in shidduchim now for 10 years. Over the years, I’ve been privy to conversations of people discussing their deep distrust of children of divorce in shidduchim. I myself have been turned down for exactly that reason. Seeing as our parents’ marriages are not something we have any control over, it seems unfair that this is held against the children. Should people be putting so much weight on something out of the child’s/dater’s hands?

Yated Shidduch Forum 6/3/22: I Am Getting Negative Feedback About My Résumé References. What Can I Do?

Question:
 
I am a single girl in shidduchim. Over my high school and seminary years, I made some very good, close friends. Boruch Hashem, most of them got married pretty quickly. 
I know that life gets busy and unfortunately you lose touch. I won’t get into that aspect now of who’s at fault, but there are a few friends who I still have what do with, and obviously those are the ones on my résumé. At this point, these friends have been getting phone calls about me for several years. They have, on average, 2-4 kids and lead very busy lives.
 
I get feedback sometimes that my friends don’t pick up when people call for information, and I can imagine that after getting so many phone calls over the years, their exuberance when giving over information is beginning to wane. Even if they try, they are pretty tired from a full day at work, then spending the night taking care of their children. They are then tied up on the phone, answering the same questions very often, which gets difficult when it’s your only free time of your day, especially if you’ve forgotten how being in shidduchim feels and don’t realize how much the person on the other line reacts to your enthusiasm or lack thereof. 
 
I get many suggestions, but not so many yeses. I wish to make mothers looking into girls aware of this, and receive any tips from the panelists on how to handle this situation – besides thanking my friends so, so much! 
 
Thank you.

Yated Shidduch Forum 5/27/22: We Met With Shadchanim, What Hishtadlus Can We Do Now?

Question:
 
Our daughter is ready to begin shidduchim and we met with some shadchanim.
Now what? Do we just sit and wait for the phone to ring? Do we go to meet with even more shadchanim?
 
Is there any additional effective hishtadlus that you would recommend that we do, other ways to come up with possible suggestions for our daughter?

Yated Shidduch Forum 5/13/22: Are People Too Negative When They Speak About Shidduchim?

Question:

One of the most unfortunate lines that I keep hearing from parents of boys and girls alike is, “We can’t wait to be out of shidduchim,” or, “I feel such a load off my shoulders in between my children who are dating.” Is there any way to spin the process into a lighter, more positive experience for all as we remind ourselves daily that it is a brocha to have dating children and iy”H bring them to the chupah, instead of an overwhelming burdensome parsha?